u/CursingFurball

I am 29 M have never been in a relationship, never even kissed a girl, and I'm about to turn 30 in June and I've got people already asking about marriage and kids. Frankly, I'm not desperate for a relationship but there are days when it sucks to be alone. I spend all my time working cause I was unemployed for years, my car died so I only walk and bike for transportation. I always feel like I'm not enough and I've had a lot of healing to do after distancing myself from toxic and abusive family. I have certainly made good progress on my mental health. Still depressed at times, but for the first time in my life, I have some peace. And now I'm at the stage where I want to meet a good woman and start a family. But I work as a server in a retirement home and I have very few responses to better job offers. I always feel like my financial situation will turn off women, even though I'm told that doesn't matter. It stems from my father always shit-talking about how broke I am. He certainly only views relationships through a financial lens and I guess it's rubbed off on me. I just need to get over him but I feel that he's right sometimes cause I want to improve but nobody has given me the opportunity. But I can't hold off on dating to improve myself forever. I'm a good man, I wake up early and walk to work every day. And I actually love my job despite how hard it can be. I honestly don't even feel like climbing a corporate ladder as I have my own projects and business ideas I wish to work on. I just hate that I can't bring myself to let go and put myself out there. Anytime a woman does talk with me I kind of recede and avoid eye contact because I know how messy my life still is. But if one puts some boundaries it attracts me because I like women with standards. It's weird. I really wish I could not give a fuck but I can be so neurotic sometimes. I think I get that from my mother also because she certainly deals with attachment issues. I don't mean to bring up my parents like that but their marriage was a disaster, and at times I feel like it's better to stay alone than repeat that cycle. Or worse bring a child into it.