u/Currentcorn

Salvete, plebeians and other questionably literate spectators of the arena.

I, Cornelius Fabius Camillus (a man of refined martial taste), must once again endure the most baffling delusion infecting our city: the idea that the soggy, fishmonger-looking Retiarius is somehow superior to the glorious Secutor.

Have you ever SEEN a Secutor? The smooth helm, forged like the very face of Mars himself. The scutum, a wall of inevitability. The Secutor advances, unstoppable, like tax collectors or my ex-wife’s complaints. Meanwhile the Retiarius shows up half naked, armed with a fishing net like he’s late for his shift at the docks. “Oh but the agility-” SHUT UP. Yeah it was very impressive, running away and tripping over your own net is truly peak combat doctrine.

And don’t even begin with this 'net + trident is OP' nonsense. If I wanted to watch someone poke from a distance and panic the moment things get close, I’d attend a Senate debate.

The Secutor closes distance. The Secutor endures. The Secutor WINS. The fact I have lost 100 fucking denarii on bet to that manipulated game last night is irrelevant to the point I am making. Also, what on Jupiter's hairy ass is nuclear bomb? Never heard of that shit, probably also a rant from uneducated barbarians from Belgica.

In conclusion: if you support Retiarii, kindly return your citizenship tablets to the nearest magistrate.

Vale.

(P.S. Lay your eyes on this perfect graffiti I made on west gate wall of amphitheater to prove my point.)