u/Current-Corgi-7096

My mom just passed away a week ago and it feels surreal. I still have the mother's day card that I was planning on giving her. It feels like any moment she's going to walk through the door or give me a call, like my brain can't process that she's passed. I have moments where I don't feel much, but then the realization that she's gone sinks in and it all starts to hurt.

The rest of my family is very religious and all I hear from them is that she's with God and that she's watching over me. But I don't know what I believe and none of it makes me feel any better. I went to church today and saw all the mothers get their blessings, and I felt alone.

I feel like I'm getting really sick from thinking about my mom so much. But if I try to push it all out of my mind, I feel guilt. My mom suffered so much with the cancer and I can't forget about it. I want my mom back so badly.

I just lost my mom last Friday to late stage ovarian cancer. Everything hurts so badly. Mornings are the absolute worst because I just expect my mom to be in her bed or in the kitchen and she's not. Or that I'm going to visit her later at the nursing home she was at, but she's not there anymore. I'm waiting for her to call me and ask me how work was or ask me when I'm going to go see her, but she doesn't.

It all feels like a dream that I can't wake from. I have moments where the realization that I won't ever see her again becomes painfully real. I think about her hugs, her voice, her holding my hand that I won't ever experience again. I miss her so much. I took too much time for granted with her.

The pain from losing her feels like a heavy weight on my chest, and a pain in my heart. Probably sounds cliche, but that's what it feels like. I'm only 23 and I don't feel like I can keep going or even want to. But then I think about my brother and I can't imagine leaving him alone.

I fucking hate everything about this and I know my situation isn't special and that others are going through this too. But it feels so horrible and I feel ill all the time. I just want my mom back. I don't know what to do.

This is long I apologize, but I hope someone actually reads all the way through.

My mom had stage 4 ovarian cancer that migrated to her brain. She went through a lot of treatments and pain. About 3 weeks ago is when we put her in hospice.

I feel like I made her passing much harder for her. All I did was cry by her bedside all morning. I was also very much in denial. I kept thinking that if her diet got better, I would find her another hospital where they'd have better equipment to help her. I was constantly telling her that we'd go home soon because I know she hated the nursing home.

She struggled in her time in hospice. She developed a thrush infection which wouldn't allow her to eat or take meds without pain. She denied anything they tried to give her. I begged so many people from the nursing home staff to the hospice staff to get her a checkup or antibiotics or something so that she could at least eat. It was always the same excuse that the she was passing the nautral way, but that seemed so ridiculous to me. She was starving and dehydrated, she said she was hungry but couldn't bare the mouth and throat pain. They finally only gave her those meds she needed on her last day.

In her final day, she was very fidgety all morning. She also stopped eating and drinking completely. Normally she didn't have appetite, but her denying water was out of character since it was the only thing she could pass without pain. I got scared and cried and told her so many things. I begged her to wait for her sisters who were in the process of getting their visas to visit. I told her I wasn't ready for her to leave me. She told me to stop crying, but it was difficult.

At around noon, I noticed her breathing very hard. I still asked her questions and she seemed somewhat responsive because she would nod and such. I ended up calling hospice because I didnt know what to do. They ended fast tracking her meds and some antiviral for the thrush. I wish it had been sooner because she never was able to recieve pain medicine before this day or have a full meal.

After hospice left, I watched her sleeping. They had given her lydocaine numbing cream to help her take medicine (I dont understand why they waited so long). They then gave her .5 of morphine and .5 of lorazepam (not sure about the spelling). On top of that she was already on a pain patch of .25 fentanyl that she received only three day before. And they finally gave her the antiviral for her thrush.

It felt weird to me that she didn't wake up when she was administered all those things, but I just thought they were so strong and she didn't notice. After a while her breathing didn't get better. I started panicking and crying again, holding her hand. I called hospice to ask if her deep sleep was normal because she wouldn't answer me. I could see her taking huge breaths so I straightened her head to see if that would help. And in that exact moment her breathing slowed down. Right as I moved her head. And then she finally stopped breathing.

I called hospice, I called the nurse to check her vitals, I called my brother. The nurse told me she was gone and left me alone with her for a while. I couldn't stop crying, I felt like I had done something wrong. Maybe I moved her head and she couldn't get oxygen. Or maybe the medicines were too strong afterall. Or maybe I stressed her out too much that entire day from all my crying.

They tell me that her hearing is the last thing to go. She probably only heard me crying the entire time and I feel sorry she couldn't go more peacefully. I told her I loved her and that it was okay if she wanted to rest now, but I wish I could've been more calm in her last moments.

I feel so heartbroken. I'm her oldest son (23) and I wish I could've been stronger for her. I'm still in denial about the whole thing. I have this feeling that she wasn't ever treated properly by any hospital or clinic she went to. That they could've done more and hospice could've been more pro active with her.

She passed just yesterday. Mother's day was coming up and I had notes in my phone written down about what I was going to put in a mother's day card for her. Her birthday was just a month ago as well.

I'm glad she isn't suffering anymore, but I don't know how I'll live without another hug from her again.