26F, ex is 28M. We dated from high school into late adulthood. No engagement, but I wasn’t nagging him over it. It would have been nice, but with our finances I knew a wedding was unrealistic. Plus I’ve always been childfree, so it just didn’t make sense for us to rush it. I was happy with just building a cohesive future together, ideally with both of our families.
We were each other’s first for everything. I actually asked him out. We had the same classes together. He was shy and nerdy, which was my “type” (if teens that young with no experience can even have a solid type, lol).
In hindsight, that was kind of our first incompatibility that I missed. I was nerdy in an animation/comic books/art/writing way, and he was a gamer from a solid gamer family. His father was a gaming addict for WoW, which eventually played a part in his own divorce years later.
••••••
The build up
Overall, the first years of our relationship during high school (when I still lived with my parents) were okay. I think I had these over dramatic expectations of a passionate romance based on romantic comedies, hoping he would give compliments and big displays of affection the way I showed him, but he always said it was hard for him to reciprocate that naturally. At the time it was okay. I don’t know. I was a very insecure girl who was bullied for her appearance, so part of it felt like I was just grateful to have him around at all. But I did care for him. I made him a lunch bag every day with a drawing and note on the paper bag. He was two years ahead of me. His senior year, his family moved to the next county down south, and we kept in contact by FaceTiming during our lunch breaks to chat.
But his family always felt off. I thought back then I could just ignore all of it, love should conquer all! but I can’t help but think about my younger self and the pain she went through.
My parents divorced and my dad left around my junior year of high school. I feel like once my dad left the home, I almost became lesser status in the eyes of his parents/older relatives. But again, I was young and didn’t have experience. We were happy, and that’s what mattered.
{{{ Overall — not that race should matter in love but for context, feel free to skip/ignore:
I’m Mexican. His father, a US Marine, is Filipino/Peruvian. His mother is white, blonde, with southern roots. }}}
My sister had kids young at 19, but with the fallout and our personal family drama, I was already staunchly childfree for as long as I could remember. Watching my sister struggle definitely solidified that I didn’t want to be a mom. Yet I felt like his older relatives just assumed I would be another stereotype. When my ex was 18 and I was still in high school, his mom was taking me to their house to visit, and she had a private talk about how worried she was that I would falsely accuse him of rape as a minor. But we never fought then. We were both so young and happy, and in hindsight, I don’t know. It feels so wrong.
My dad died a few months after I graduated high school. His family visited for my graduation and my 18th birthday, but it never felt like they meshed well with my family. When his younger brother had his own girlfriend who graduated high school, she invited us to her party, and his entire family came to her house. They actually spoke to her family and friends, and I couldn’t help but feel jealousy and also shame. But again, me and him…I guess our relationship was okay.
I remember that night asking him if his family would have taken me more seriously if my dad were still alive, but he (understandably) was tired and told me he couldn’t talk about that in the moment.
•••••
The major red flags
We had a breakfast meetup with his grandparents (father’s side), and his grandma asked if my mom still lived in the trailer park (while smiling). I don’t know if it’s because I’m autistic, but I just said yes, because it’s the truth. She immediately nodded and changed the subject to talk to the rest of the table. It’s something I still can’t shake off years later. He kept telling me his grandma is sweet and probably didn’t know it came off rude, but I don’t know. I just see his other brothers get girlfriends who are treated better than me right off the bat.
I’m Latina, and family was always a big part of my lifestyle. Every Friday we would all go to my cousin’s house and hang out as a family. I just always had this dream that my relationship would be able to mesh with my family as well, and it just feels like his were so reluctant, or thought we were “ghetto” despite our household incomes being quite similar.
His dad was really weird though, and I think that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. In 2020, my ex was in a car accident that left him with disc bulges and sciatica pain. He hasn’t been able to work a job since then, it’s hard for him to walk / carry weight.
I essentially became a full-time caretaker overnight, and truthfully I did tell him it was my turn to take care of him after how much he took care of me. He was never stingy with his money. He was a gaming addict, and sometimes I felt like he would rather log in than hook up with me. Often he would log in after we did hook up. But again, I had very low self esteem about my looks, so it felt expected.
••••
The breaking point
After the car accident we couldn’t afford our apartment. We moved into his father’s house (now divorced). My boyfriend and I were both heavily depressed, smoking THC carts daily. I was on and off seasonal jobs, nothing permanent for the first two years. In the meantime I tried hobbies like animating and fashion. My favorite style is goth, but I still experimented with other outfit looks. It was fun drawing my outfits digitally but basing them off my real-life closet. I NEVER wore lingerie around his dad, obviously. Weirdly enough, his dad told me I could do my little fashion videos in his spare closet in the master bedroom? But I never asked to do that. I was only asking ONCE if I could record a tutorial video for how to use my drawing program (didn’t even need to use my camera, just used microphone only???).
I did wear short shorts, skirts, or a tank top, but:
I was an adult at 22–24 at that point.
I still left with a sweater or jacket on when passing him by because his staring was weird. Even though he literally knew me since I was a 15 yr old girl
The actual straw that broke the camel’s back was when his younger brother (21 at that point) moved his girlfriend into his dad’s home as well. Less than a year of dating, mind you. But sure, no problem, no issue.
Suddenly his dad started blaming every mess and dirty dish on me and would scoff at the idea that the younger brother’s girlfriend (pale, Wasian Filipina) could ever be the cause of the dirty dishes.
One day it was my day off from work. My ex and I were in our room, which is right next to the front door and driveway. The new girlfriend was about to leave for work and stopped to talk to the dad on the driveway, so I could hear EVERYTHING. She politely apologized for not doing the dishes because she has OCD and wet food grosses her out. The dad suddenly said it’s no big deal, he doesn’t care about stuff like that, and in fact he’s SO cool he doesn’t even care that when I walk around the house basically half clothed or in lingerie, and that I do videos on social media in my skimpy outfits???
Completely unprompted.
I stood at the window and made eye contact with the girlfriend, and she kinda just left soon after. The dad didn’t notice me. When he walked back in, my ex defended me. It was a huge argument. I was taking a shower, and the dad asked me, while I was in a towel, (in shock? ) He was on his knees begging for forgiveness and apologizing, saying he was going to cry. But it felt so fucking fake. I just went back into the bathroom and closed the door.
•••••••
Realizing What I Had to Do
Two months later, my ex, his older brother (who agreed his dad was fucked up for doing that), and I moved to a new apartment, eight hours away from his dad’s house. I tried giving the relationship a chance because again, it’s not like my ex was the bad guy! it’s just his family.
Then his grandma came to visit (father’s side). I could tell she resented me. As if I were the only reason their family weren’t living together anymore. She was polite, and we danced on the dance floor when we had dinner together, but she also kept repeating that my family must miss me, wants me back home soooo much. I wear makeup but I just don’t feel the need to wear it all the time, especially for this dinner night. She kept mentioning how the younger brother’s girlfriend wears makeup and how nice she is, etc.
It was February, and I felt like a small piece of me realized I could never marry into this family peacefully. I told him that on the walk back to our car. I didn’t think we could get married. He said we could go no contact with his family. It was romantic, but I didn’t want someone to give up their family for me. I wanted two families becoming one. That’s my culture, that’s what would make me feel complete. I still stayed, but honestly I was toxic and grieving the relationship at that point.
The following winter, his dad had a heart attack scare, and of course now they’re gaming twice a week on Discord. Which is fine, that’s his family, he should be close to them. But of course the no contact idea was just a fantasy.
•••••••
Present Day, Conclusion
So now here I am. I made the plans to move out soon, back to my mom’s house. Ending a 12-year relationship that has me feeling like I gave up too soon but also held on far too long, longer than anyone else would have considered reasonable. I have so much guilt as the dumper, as his caretaker. It’s not really his fault, but I can’t see a future where I’ll be happy here. I haven’t posted on social media in over a year because I feel like his dad is lurking, spreading rumors, any outfit will be the next scandalous thing for him to bring up to people I barely know.
•••••••••••
Honestly, it’s a very lonely feeling. It seems like most people are dumpees hating on the person who dumped them, but I don’t have anyone else relating to what I went through.
If you read all the way, thank you. I know this was a long ass post. It’s not even the full details, but it’s impossible to fit 12 years into a word limit.