Let me begin by saying that I completely understand the backlash I will get for snooping. However, I kindly ask all of you to include some advice alongside the judgement.
My husband (31M) and I (29F) have been married for a little over a year. This morning as I was heading to work I couldn’t find my phone so I took his to call my phone. As I unlocked his phone his ChatGPT was open with all the chat titles/history. One of the recent searches/title of the search was “Marriage and assets”. Curiosity killed the cat, or better yet, it killed me once I opened it and saw that he was looking to see who gets how much assets if we were to get divorced after a year.
Now let me tell you a little more about our finances. We both work decent jobs and I earn a little more than him. Due to his cultural and our religious beliefs he prefers to be the sole provider. He pays all the bills including rent. He even pays for some groceries, but once his salary is spent I continue paying for our daily needs.
Why have I agreed to this lifestyle? Well, we plan(ed?) to have kids in the near future and where we live you get 3 months paid maternity leave followed by a possible 6 months unpaid maternity leave. Both of us share the mindset that 3 months is too short. Ideally he would prefer if I was a SAHM for the first 3 years, but with today’s economy we agreed 1 year will have to be sufficient. I am saving some money as he covers our living cost with the aim that once we have children I will not have to depend on him nor will we have to sacrifice some life expenses once we have children (ideally).
In addition he owes me a significant amount of money from before he got sober. Even some money he borrowed for his solo trips. He was not eligible for a credit card and when he went on an intentional, month long trip with his friends he borrowed my credit card only so he could rent a car. In the end he spent the full 2k limit and I didn’t receive that back. I fully paid for our honeymoon, we moved into a new house that we can rent for the next 10 years, but it was unfurnished and it required a lot of work. I paid for the paint, flooring and the workers, the oven, dishwasher etc. He also had some expenses, but I was financially better off than him, so I covered more of it.
It is fair to say that him covering our living expenses is also something I mentally note down as him paying me back. I offered to pay 50/50 on more than one occasion, but he persisted.
Now that you know most of the financial backstory imagine the shock I felt when his ask was “If I get the home how will my wife’s savings be split, will I get some of that sum?”, “What if she sneakily last minute sends that money to her ‘motherland’ bank account?”
It is also important to note that I have been dealing with some severe anxiety and depressive episodes for the past 2-3 years. I have been in therapy for 2 of those years. It is difficult to be with me, I am sure of that.
This search was done on Saturday morning and after a month of doing better I was from Wednesday (22nd of April) down and more agitated. On Saturday evening I had one of my episodes, when I am yelling, hitting myself and just doing unacceptable irrational things as I am overwhelmed with anxiety. I beg for reassurance constantly which must be tiring and my husband is giving up a little bit. Saying how he should record himself and I can listen to that voice note.
During one of our discussions between Wednesday and Saturday I said “but I was doing better” his reply was “no you were not, I was just doing things you didn’t notice to stop you from falling back.” That stung and felt like all my progress was a part of this big lie. That he was not acting truthfully to himself, as if he has been walking on eggshells around me just to avoid any of my fallbacks. It stung like a bitch and truth to be told I am still not over it. So now seeing that he searched these specific questions I just feel even worse. Like everything is a pretend play. I want to be free of my anxiety, but at the moment it feels as if fighting or flight mode is impossible to turn off.
I told him what I saw on his ChatGPT but he said he looked it up after my episode on Saturday evening (which is a lie because I saw the question was popped on Saturday morning). It hurts more because my irrational actions were not the cause of that search. My silence and sadness from the comment “No you were not, I was just doing things you didn’t notice to stop you from falling back” was the reason he looked it up. He has since said that that this was said in the moment because he was feeling irritated and he sees the progress too. In addition he said that he searched only to see who would get the house as he will be left with 0 on his account and nowhere to go, that he wouldn’t touch my money and if it came to that he would even say in court that I can have the money saved.
Mind you we live in his homeland where he has his whole family and friends. I, on the other hand, am alone here. Absolutely alone. He also said that his search was more out of curiosity as he hasn’t even read what the terms of marriage are. He did it in the moment, but he soon realised what he actually has (me). That sometimes he is impulsive (which is true as in the last month he ordered 7-10 packages of various items that he returned) he even compared this situation to the returned packages.
I just feel a little abandoned in a unity of marriage. As if I need to watch my back. It hurts, you know…but at the same time with all my episodes I can understand his need to want to leave. He said that he has handled it so far, but if it continues at this pace he doesn’t know if he can. Maybe a year, but probably not more because he is either going to leave or go crazy. He hurts seeing me like that. (All his words)
I don’t know how to proceed. Have any of you heard of a couple that was going through these internal debates in the first year of marriage and still made it out as a strong loving couple?
After 2 years in therapy I don’t know how to get better. I am so sad and scared.
Please give me advice and don’t start with “divorce him”.
Truly thank you for reading.
TLDR: I have severe anxiety that is destroying my marriage however some of the recent ChatGPT searches found of my husband’s phone triggered fight or flight mode and even after hearing him out, I cannot just move on. My trust feels broken and I feel abandoned.