u/Cultural_Camera_4472

Dad here just looking for honest input, especially from step-parents or people in blended families.
I’ve been with my wife since 2021 (married 2022). We have two young kids together (4 and 2), and I also have two older children (9 and 6) from a previous relationship.
I was upfront from the beginning about having kids. She accepted it, but also said she couldn’t promise she’d ever fully feel comfortable or love them—only that she would try. She’s been consistent about that.
When we lived in the UK, my older kids were with me regularly (midweek and alternate weekends). That’s when things were hardest. My wife would often get triggered by things like:
noise / general kid chaos
mess (I’ve since worked a lot on teaching my kids to clean up after themselves)
my attention being split
anything to do with my ex
She takes more of a “nacho” approach (not my kids, not my responsibility), which I’ve respected. I handled everything for my older kids when they were with me.
At the start, she actually had some positive moments with them—playing, engaging, etc. Things changed after we had our first child together. She became much more protective, especially of our son, and started reacting more negatively toward my second son in particular when normal sibling-type conflicts happened. Since then, she tends to withdraw when my older kids are around.
We’ve done therapy, which helped communication somewhat, and it was suggested that hormones (pregnancy/postpartum) may have played a role in how strongly she reacted during that period.
We’ve now moved abroad for work, so my older kids are around much less (a few times a year). That has reduced day-to-day tension, but I’ve realised the underlying feelings are still there—they just don’t get triggered as often.
The pattern now is:
When my older kids are around (or even when discussing them visiting), she becomes quiet, distant, and withdrawn
It feels like she separates from me emotionally during those times
I feel more like an annoyance than her partner in those moments
There’s no open hostility, but there’s definitely tension and emotional distance.
To be fair to her:
She has always been honest that this is hard for her
She does try at times
She doesn’t pretend to feel something she doesn’t
To be fair to me:
I’ve made a lot of effort to reduce triggers (discipline, cleanliness, boundaries with my ex)
I take full responsibility for my older kids when they’re with me
I’m starting to feel worn down by the emotional distance when they’re involved
What I’m hoping for isn’t a perfect blended family. Realistically, I’d be okay if she never truly “loves” my older kids.
What I want is:
peaceful coexistence
no withdrawal or tension when they’re around
to still feel like her partner when my older kids are present
to be able to talk about them visiting without it becoming tense
So my questions are:
For step-parents: is it realistic for this kind of acceptance to improve over time, or does it tend to stay the same?
Is “neutral coexistence” a realistic long-term goal, or am I underestimating how hard that is?
For parents in similar situations: how do you handle a partner who withdraws emotionally when your other kids are around?
I’m not looking to bash my wife—just trying to understand what’s realistic and how to handle this better long-term.