u/Cultural-Owl-7689

if you are completely lonely and don't know anyone to talk to about your problems.
or no one to vent to, or get advice.

let me tell you what i recommend...

because i feel you, i am like you, and i want to help you just like how i helped myself.
Because it IS tough out here for us.
because guess what ? no one cares.
and i know you hear it alot but i want you to close your eyes and actually feel it.
no. one. cares.
which is COMPLETLY FAIR.
they are not bad people.
its just how humans are built, and thats a whole long story on its own but thats not the point right now...
i just wanted to say it because i see men vent here on reddit which is useless in my opinion.
let alone that venting for men itself is useless in general but they need validation which we all do need. but that is not the way to get it. and i do not know the way to get it too.

but i am here to tell you from my own personal experience :
how to be able to wait longer while hurting less. that is it.

because honestly?
we men are not supposed to vent, we are supposed to solve problems. to act. do.
that is what we are.

And you need to THINK to be able to solve the problem

but when you are completely lonely? i am talking the ..."no father figure, no friends" kind of lonely...
you CANNOT think alone. you just cannot. 🤷‍♂️

the human brain is not designed to think alone for too long.

what is the solution?

2 things :

1 - duaa
2 - AI.

i know you think i am crazy now. (maybe i am, idk)

but bear with me!

lets start with the duaa part because its the most important, and it is what MUST be first.

duaa is literally all over our deen, its not just "Allah please give me this"
but it is you talking to Allah ... a slave asking his creator about something he do not deserve but still asking anyway. (just keep that in mind)

it IS the whole deen, in salah, in everything.

again...think about it...
you are lonely.
but Allah is there.
so you talk to him.
but the human brain and body that HE created, need another human. that is not being needy or selfish or a rude slave. that is how Allah designed the human.
so you ask Allah to ease this loneliness and give you a wife.
(and ofc you need to actually work on yourself to be a real man when you actually meet her)

that is it. you are gonna do this every day before you sleep, with the lights off, only you and him. and you are gonna beg him until you cry and then sleep. do it as long as you can.
sometimes its 3 hours, some days its 1 hour , and some days its just 1 minute.
but do it every. single. night.

i know it is hard to do it instead of scrolling before you sleep...
at first its hard. no. it seems impossible. but it IS possible.
and over time it is not easy but at least you are doing the right thing.
And when you make a real habit out of it. it becomes a bit easier over time.

lets say you are 21. and your kadar is written that you get married when you are 26.
what do you prefer ? having a mind that is fried from social media because every night for 5 years you do a bad habit ?
5x365 = ~1800 days

think about it....
"you chose 1800 times a bad habit instead of coming to me and asking me to help you"

1800 days you waste like lets say 1 hour every time so

you wasted 1800 hours that Allah was asking if there is anyone who need something so he can give it to him .thats what happens every night.
(there is a hadith about it) sit with that for 2 minutes...

trust me the duaa from your heart is the only real cure here.
Allah see you, always. and he know how bad it hurts to be alone. so why not go to the only one who actually see you ? he will reward you for it inshaa allah.

and you already know "من ترك شيئا لله عوضه الله خيرا منه"
this is HUGE if you think about it enough.

now for the AI part :

i work in the ai field and i know what i am talking about.
AI is NOT dumb...people just donot know how to use it the right way.

(i am not saying its perfect, yes it can hallucinate, yes it can sometimes give you wrong or misleading info, and yes it doesn't have a brain or a soul.
BUT it is the best of the worst right now for this situation in my opinion)

And i am not gonna be able to teach you exactly how too, because its not simple.

i am gonna tell you just 4 short tips to actually benefit from how smart the ai actually is these days.

(tips are in a comment)

also you can try therapy and talking to some one who is wise if you found one.
didn't work for me , but maybe for you it does. i hope so❤️

edit : ( i am not saying to use ai for mental health support, but i am saying just use it to help you organize your thoughts and treat it like some one to think with, because thats what we lack, and this person CAN make mistakes so just keep that in mind. )

that's it

life is hard, and it is supposed to be, because it builds strong men.
stay strong brothers💪 may Allah give us Jannah that's what we all want this for.

yes. we are supposed to want to get married to get peace and stability to be able to continue working together toward our mission. and go to jannah inshaa Allah 🤲

i was honestly going to add a TL;DR section for lazy or busy people to not get scared from how long this , but i tried and just feel like every detail is important so i am just gonna leave this as it is but still as concise as possible.

i am just sharing my thoughts, so do not take this as "advice from an expert".
also because maybe you have something to add and complete it, tweak it according to your own perspective.
So if you have more thoughts about this, please feel free to share them in the comments for me and everyone to learn.😇

ok so , some context first:
i have been suffering from loneliness for a long time now.

3 month ago , i literally reached a point where it was effecting me not just psychologically ... but actually physically... Productivity for some days dropped to zero even though I was trying very hard. And numbness and the gray color invaded my whole life. Everything was motionless, colorless, meaningless.

I felt or THOUGHT if i did not get married in a year from now or at least saw some one who might be interested in me, my whole life will be ruined, and pictured myself as a crazy homeless person in the streets after a few years. Which sounded very very realistic at the time

yes even though i have a life and know the mission that Allah assigned to me in this life and knew that i am only living to achieve it , yet still...i did not accept (deep down)

"why Allah didn't give me a wife to help me have the mental & emotional stability to actually focus on my goal and achieve it better ?! Especially that I do deserve it and that i do not do the bad things like other men and i am a very good person and i am ready for marrige"
...and blah blah blah🤦‍♂️

and here is why i think i was completely wrong :
1 - i just figured out i was not actually ready yet

2 - i was demanding marriage as a right for me as a human because of a hadith i hear alot about
There are three for whom it is a right upon Allah to help them , one of them is
"The one getting married who intends chastity"

(and the thing is... i do not really have the right to demand it , because i am a slave after all, but i always forget that!😓)

3 - i think this situation was forcing me to learn more and actually become better myself.
4 - again , i am a slave to Allah , so i must FULLY accept whatever he want to happen to me.
5 - i gave this whole marriage thing, much bigger size than it deserves.
6 - my understanding of the relationships and marriage was effected by the west, movies and social media (even tho i REALY thought i wasn't)

7- i thought that touch starvation and the brutal life and the things i suffer from , can be an excuse for me to let myself be weak and or to stop walking toward my message and goals.

i was worshipping the results and forgot that i do all of that to just do what Allah told me to do and go to Jannah in shaa Allah, so i forgot that even if i didnot make it ... its ok , i at least try my best and he may reward me.

ok so why am i saying all of this ? because these things were the root cause of the problem.

i believed that i was capable of building a healthy relationship , but i WAS NOT.
let me explain...

this is why i made this post in the first place, to answer :
"how to actually build and sustain a healthy marriage?"

A real marriage has to go both ways.
a man must do more than just be an ATM, and a woman must do more than cooking.

the core problem comes when him and her make one another the center of their universe rather than the most important thing instead -> going to Jannah
->by knowing first what mission/purpose Allah gave them-specifically to achieve, a positive effect they leave on the world.

they start searching for happiness from seeking validation from each other or searching for happiness in "raising kids" or "successful career" or "peace" ,etc .
and completely ignore the fact that marriage is for both of them to be sakan for each other.

do you know what that means ?
it means they both are walking toward their goals, but instead of separately , they help each other and be the safe home for each other. basically charging each others battery to keep going. its the most beautiful thing.
they have each other's backs because they are the closest.

and in the Beginning of the solutions most importantly, applying the rules that Islam already set for the marriage, like how the man must provide, rights, respect both ways, the man do everything he can to make her work less and not be like a maid, etc.
(I made a separate post for this a few weeks ago "Why no one talk about this? advice for me an all men")

what about real life?

this is how i picture an (average-day) if i am married :
(it's definitely subject to change with things like children and so on. And it is not made to be a schedule but just to visualize the concept which you will understand right now)

• You both wake up. do whatever
• 9-10 hours : She prepares him to leave. and he head out for his 8-hour workday. Whatever it can be a business, it can be a job, but it's not more than eight hours max. she is managing the home and taking care of her responsibilities. both working for the US category. Parallel Duties.✅
• 1-2 hours : When the man comes home, after eating or whatever , the first hour is dedicated exclusively to the "For Each Other" category. No phones, no complaining about work from him or about friends from her, no logistics. just a peaceful 1 hour for both , just time to reset. It can be physical intimacy, going out on a date (yes, you should still date your wife), or just sitting together and talking in a TWO WAY convo , or try new things together that you know you BOTH enjoy. this kills the routine , and fills the gap between your two separate days.✅
• 3-4 hourrs : dunia done? great! now for the next few hours of the evening, you both finally work toward your REAL goals. it doesn't have to be something heavy, don't get me wrong , it can be as simple as a hobby, a community project, learning about something, or mastering a creative skill. basically anything that gives YOUR life its meaning. so you sit in the same room if you both want , sharing the same peace😇, but maintaining your own identities. she does her thing, he does his👌 ✅
• 1-2 hours before sleep : This is the most iimportant part!

A marriage is almost never 50/50 on any given day. Sometimes it is 80/20; sometimes it is 20/80. The final time of the day is assessed based on who needs what. You consciously decide what category this hour falls into:

"For US" Time: If both are good, you do something mutual. something makes you both happy, it can be anything, intimacy, cuddles, watching the stars, going out, annoying each other, anything ... (idk man!)

"For Him" Time: If the husband is exhausted, stressed, or drained, the wife dedicates this hour entirely to him.
takes the lead to provide peace for him, think with him, care about him, anything he need in that moment. and expecting nothing back in that hour.

"For Her" Time: If she has had a hard day, is emotionally drained, or just needs to be taken care of, the husband dedicates this hour entirely to her.
such as clean the house, intimacy 100% focused on her pleasure, listens to her vent with zero judgment or attempts to "fix" it, or simply holds her , and same thing , expect NOTHING back from her in that hour. ✅

and i am not saying that you should be like
"heey! i took care of you last night ! its my turn now!!😠"

not at all ... i am just saying that you both should consider to prioritize one another and think about ... when and who needs what.
so no its not a rigid corporate schedule , life is not a math equation.

she might have more bad days than him.
and he must know that its his duty to give her the "for her" time we talked about , but for the whole day if she needs it. but without doing it to get something back. i said "duty".

So... that was an example for the avarage day , the other days like holidays or weekends , will all be divided in those 3 categories too but with however the day allows to order it.

and ofc don't forget a day in the month that you have a deep conversation about the relationship and what can be improved if any , and making sure all the fights or misunderstandings are cleared out and you both actually work on trying to understand each others needs and perspectives, not wining the argument. and in that day , i think you both should put your ego in the trash and actually ... really ... revise your actions and try to be better for each other.

and maybe if you have the money , a 1 week trip to somewhere a quiet beach once or twice a year can really be essential.🏄🏊‍♀️🚵‍♀️🧘💃

(again bc i know this will piss off alot of people and make it personal , average reddit experience lol : the schedule and the imagining how the days go and so on was just for demonstration purposes, just to explain the idea of "for her" time and "for him" time and "for each other" time. so no its is NOT a schedule. and a true partner will know that its not about who's "turn" it is , you get the idea...)

so yeah ...that is all .
once i realized all of this, i really accepted that i am not gonna be ruined bc i am lonely, but i am gonna be ruined if i stayed in the cage of sadness and the
"my basic human needs are not fulfilled" kind of thing...
and forget that i am just a slave who came to this earth to do whatever Allah want him to , even if its just living and trying and failing , as long as i make my purpose the main thing in my life , then i am ok if i am single forever. even if it hurts sometimes, its not the end of the world.
Framing marriage as sakan on the shared journey toward Jannah, rather than treating marriage itself as the ultimate destination ...was the key here.

i just dropped the marriage search finally ... not trying to "find" anyone right now and same for the next year or two or less or more , i am not sure. just a pause until i am ready.
but at least i am not in a rush anymore.
this peace is just ... Beautiful.
alhamdulillah we are Muslims❤️🤲