Feeling kinda hopeless and scared
So i got diagnosed with BPD in the psyche ward a few weeks back, and im just really struggling to process it. It makes sense, reframes a lot of stuff about my life, but im just.. fucking terrified of the implications. Every good relationship ive had seems to always get fucked up and crash and burn to the ground. Everyone i love always fucking leave me.
Im so tired of caring about people, I wish I could just be fucking normal about relationships, but I always get too attached and end up hurting them one way or another.
At least Ive got some kind of understanding now, that's a start. Im just scared of being alone. Scared of dying alone. I hate feeling so reliant on people, I don't even really like people.. I just fall so pathetically head over heels over people and all logic goes out the window. Everything feels great and then suddenly its like I just stop caring and push them away.
Anytime my partner gets upset or we argue, I just get so hateful and vitriolic, and in those moments I want NOTHING to do with him. I cant support him to feel better and it just snowballs. I love him and i dont want him to be sad but it feels damn near impossible to feel anything besides intense resentment when we argue. Its like a switch in my brain that turns off my ability to care.
I dont understand what im doing wrong. I just wanna feel safe and happy in someone's arms but I keep fucking it up. I wish my brain would just be fucking normal about things and not constantly self-sabotaging.