do i explore more?
gonna try to keep this brief! am f22 and confused asf about my sexuality.
growing up, i developed desires for both men and women. i found myself romantically attracted to men, but sexually attracted to women. i explored this somewhat with friends, however always felt intense guilt and shame after doing so.
during school, i always had crushes on boys and wanted to be in a romantic relationship with them, however the idea of being intimate terrified me. i hated the way they sexualised women. in my teens i completely lost interest in them due to this fear.
i did however have a best friend who i think i loved. she was gorgeous, funny, and we had a very deep connection. she came out to me as bisexual, and something shifted within me. i realised i was attracted to her (as she was to me) and we had this weird relationship without ever properly addressing it. it all ended in this awful homophobic outburst from her, which shattered my trust and made all the guilt and fear come flooding back. i was hung up on this for YEARS.
in collage, i got experimental. i was terrified but curious about intimacy with women, and ended up sleeping with my best friend at the time. i didn’t enjoy it, but i was never actually attracted to her in the first place lol. i was wildly obsessed with this guy, who i did anything to impress / get validation from.
in uni, i began developing my own sexual desires. i realised i was attractive and was receiving a lot of attention/ was desirable. i loved this attention from men, but was too afraid to explore it with women. i ended up dating a guy that i initially wasn’t attracted to, but was intimate with and everything changed.
i fell in love with him lol. we had a beautiful 4 year relationship, and he was the first person that i truly trusted and loved me for me. i loved him deeply back, we was also a best friend to me. intimacy was weird though, as i mainly acted from a place of giving, and felt awkward to receive. my pleasure was never my priority, and i loved this idea of being seen as a “good girl”. links up pretty well to the fact i am also a perfectionist, and did everything i could to be desirable (had a terrible ED from this!)
fast forward to now, and im back in contact with him after breaking up a couple months ago. i’m all of a sudden now having desires to explore my sexuality again, but feel a deep sense of shame and guilt for doing so. i feel like there’s always going to be this part of me that is more gay than i realise, and im wondering if i am just suppressing my own desires across the board.
if i continue to see him, i will probably end up in another serious relationship to him- and may never really address this sapphic desire / feeling that something is missing. OR, i blow off the one person i have truly loved, and go balls deep into being with women.
HAHHAHA HELP what do i dooooooooo