It's been a week. So much has been realized and so much has changed.
So I've been watching porn since I was 15 when I got my first laptop. I watched it quite a bit but in around 2022 I started getting addicted, 2024-2026 being the worst of it. I would watch it at work, as soon as I get home, whenever I was alone. Even when I didn’t even want to get off. I would even force myself to get off even if my body didn't want to. Outside of porn it changed how I saw the people around me. I would fantasize and get off to friends' photos on social media, even having a -collection- at one point. I would hang out with friends I wanted to have sex with more than the others despite never trying anything with them. I just saw all women as objects to fantasize about. It affected relationships too. I didn't have a relationship until 2023. It lasted 6 months and then about a year as a situationship. In that time I treated sex like a staple in relationships. Signs that things were okay. That I really regret because it made my ex feel pressured at times. I couldn't stay interested nor could I -finish- during sex (death grip syndrome), I couldn't stay present during the times we were around each other even in a non-sexual manner. I also see how clouded my relationship/situationship was with her. Favorite memories changed, favorite things about her changed, my entire view changed upon quitting. So much of it was based in sex or her body or whatever. I've noticed looking back that we were at our worst when I was consuming more porn. When we were doing good I was spending my free time writing or practicing and seeing her. I wasn't stuck in my room wanting her to talk to me while I'm scrolling whatever porn websites. I would just talk to her. I wouldn't talk about wanting to see her. I would just ask to go see her. She of course got tired of me being this redpill porn-brained dickhead and I've barely spoken to her in a week as she is beyond done with it. That's when I realized how much of a problem I had and I haven't watched porn since. Its sad though at any point I could have gone to her and been like ‘i need help' or ‘i have a problem' and she would've supported me fully though everything. But I was just so unable to see it. I didn't wanna face it. My dad struggled with addiction. So does my mom. Addiction is something big in my family. I however never smoke or drank or tried drugs. I was so in my head about being the one who didn't succumb to addiction. I escaped. I wore that with pride. I didn't want to admit that I was the same. But I am. Im addicted to porn. It’s been a week since I stopped and things already seem so much brighter in the world. I feel better about myself and the world. I’m already seeing people more as people and not sex objects. I truly feel like I'm recapturing who I was before it all went out of control. Now that I'm done and have quit porn, all I want to do is tell my ex. I crave her support and to hear her say she's proud of me. Of course however that’s not possible at the moment. I don’t fully know why I’m writing all this. I guess I just have no one in my life I can tell. I don’t really have a social life and of course no relationship. I don’t really know how to end this other than I can’t wait to see what the future brings the longer I go without porn.