SO-OCD or Denial
SO-OCD or denial
Hey, how u doing?
I 19M in a relationship with a 19F and things are going great, I love her and want to build a future together, but in mids of January of this year I kinda outed myself as bi and that's when the thoughts came like a rollercoaster. I have been afraid of looking my male friends in the face, like "What if I'm gay and stop liking and feeling this way for my girlfriend?" "What if, when we get married I discover that I'm gay?" "What if I slowly stop being attracted to women?" And these thoughts are everyday and every night.
I just woke up after a nightmare where people I don't know are telling me I'm gay and now I'm thinking "am I?" I don't know what to do, I already posted it on another subreddit and reached about. I think it could be, SO-OCD, but I don't know anymore. I feel anxious and guilty like, I don't like my girlfriend? Everything I lived was a lie? The people I fell in love with and felt attached to, was my brain playing tricks on me? And I should be thinking about it all the time? Like when I woke up to the time I went to sleep for about 6/7 weeks, I can't take it anymore.
Now when walk through the street, I looking to everyone, to understand if I still attracted to women, if I feel this way about men, but I feel guilty for doing these, 'cause is making me uncomfortable to have social interactions.
Sometimes I don't feel comfortable having having sex, for other problems, but can't help but came back to the circle of "If I don't do this, it means I'm I'm not physically attracted to her" even though she doesn't make me feel this way.
The thing that made me feel like living my life again was my girlfriend. She saved from a real dark time for me, she's the best thing to ever happen to me and I don't wanna make her feel that I don't love her, I'm afraid of everything about this relationship and my sexuality became the focus of these thoughts I don't know what to do.
Sorry if I got anything wrong English is not my first language.