I really need to vent and get some outside perspective because I’m afraid I just lost him for good, and what I do next could determine that.
Edited to add TLDR:
I’m (F 30s) in a year-long exclusive relationship with my AP (married Male 40s) while stuck living with my long term boyfriend for financial/insurance reasons. My AP is very insecure and jealous about my situation. Today he saw a “goodnight ❤️” text from my boyfriend, assumed we’re still intimate, and shut down completely - threatened to end things, walked away, and hasn’t spoken to me since. Now I’m scared I’ve lost him over this and don’t know whether to reach out or give him space, or if he’ll ever accept my situation. I don’t want to lose him
Long Version:
I (F 30s) have been with my AP (M 40s) for a year, but we talked for several months prior. He is married with kids and I am in a long term relationship with my boyfriend. We have a really strong emotional and physical connection. We are exclusive, say I love you, talk about the future, getting married, etc. He says he only stays for the kids. I am unhappy in my relationship, but I’m currently unemployed (job market is brutal) and I can’t leave my relationship right now for financial and health insurance reasons. I own a home with my boyfriend, but no kids.
My relationship with my bf is basically dead emotionally and physically. We haven’t had sex since before I met my AP and the “I love you’s” are more habit than anything real, at least on my end. We are close to breaking up, but I’m only still in that situation because I’m currently unemployed and rely on him for housing and health insurance. I know that’s awful and not ideal, but it’s my reality right now until I can support myself again.
AP has always been insecure. He gets jealous and mad at me if I do anything with my bf (which I don’t anymore, which has made things at home even worse). He is constantly worried that I’m talking to someone else, or that I’ll meet someone else and leave him. I’ve never done so and constantly reassure him that I won’t. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs because of this, and other things. When something goes wrong at home (issues with kids or a fight with his wife) he shuts me out completely and gets cold but he always comes back once he calms down and feels better. Those days devastate me, it feels like my heart was ripped from my chest
But today something happened that blew everything up And I’m afraid we won’t come back from this.
We were out hiking together, having a really nice day. I stopped to take a picture of us, and at that exact moment, I got a text from my boyfriend that said “goodnight 😘❤️.” My AP saw the heart emoji and immediately got upset. He made comments implying things must be “really good” between me and my boyfriend, and even accused me of still having sex with him (which is not true).
I tried to explain, but the more I talked, the more frustrated he got. He kept telling me to stop talking and said he didn’t know what to believe anymore. I told him that I heard him tell his wife “I love you“ on the phone as a rebuttal but he ignored that. I said I didn’t want to lose him and he said if I didn’t stop talking he’d “break up with me right now.” So I went silent because I don’t want that. After that, he completely shut down. We walked back in silence, and when we got to our cars, he got in his and left without saying goodbye.
Since then, he’s been posting normally on social media, posted photos from our hike, has liked a ton of other girls’ posts and left comments (not selfies, just photography). He made a post and used a song about “words being worthless,” which stung and makes me feel like he doesn’t believe anything I said.
I haven’t reached out yet because he clearly wanted space, but I’m scared that if I don’t, he’ll think I don’t care. At the same time, I don’t want to push him further away.
I feel like this got blown up over something small (a heart emoji), but I also understand it probably triggered deeper trust issues for him. He’s always been a bit insecure about whether I’m talking to other guys or being fully honest, even though I haven’t lied to him. He thinks things with my boyfriend are better than I let on because he can’t understand that we’re basically roommates. The truth is my boyfriend hasn’t wanted to break up, but I don’t want to be with him anymore, so I’m just doing what I have to do to maintain my living situation until AP and I can be together. AP doesn’t seem to understand that
The truth is: I would choose AP in a heartbeat if he told me he was separating from his wife. I want to be with him, I’m in love with him, and he’s the future I want. I’m just stuck in my current situation for practical reasons right now.
So I guess my questions are:
- Did I lose him for good? He hasn’t blocked me on social media yet (that’s the only method of communication we use).
- Several hours have passed. Should I reach out tonight, or give him space?
- How do I reassure him without making things worse? My words probably won’t matter right now.
- Is it unrealistic to expect him to accept my situation?
I feel like I’m about to lose him, my world, and I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to fix it. Any honest advice is appreciated.