The date exposed how hungry I was to be understood and how quickly I attach when I finally feel seen -- how do I deal with it now?
I'm 21F and I met this really cool and nice guy off of Hinge who's 30M. We instantly hit it off due to shared interests/personalities. Context is I'm a college student and he's a PhD student.
This past weekend he drove an hour to see me at my college. We walked around campus, really connected and showed genuine interest in each other-- he truly saw me for who I was and I felt heard. This especially landed well with me because I don't have any close friends or a built-in support system. Also, I don't have much dating experience and I recently broke up with my month-long first ever relationship this past February. And I'm having issues at my current college, which are a topic for another discussion. So receiving validation from him was magnetic.
However, everything was going well until it wasn't. By the end of the date, I got drunk and also got a bit... restless and... sad and insisted on making out with him. We were in my room at this point. He hasn't really consumed alcohol and doesn't like it either. We didn't end up making out because he wasn't comfortable with it. I respected his choice and he left soon after as it was getting late.
That was Sunday.
On Monday, I sent him an apology text and he was very understanding and respectful. Then we just chatted on the phone today because I wanted to give him context for why I drank (I wanted to gather up the courage to ask him whether he wanted to makeout.) He understood my perspective even though we both are still somewhat unsettled by it because he was psychoanalyzing me and my behavior and we came to the conclusion that it happened because I wasn't really in touch with my sexuality and was embarrassed of asking him out, which is somewhat true.
Anyway, so he also said on the call that by the end of our date it was clear to him that we wouldn't see each other again because of this situation and also because he felt like there was something about our interactions that didn't suit him and that the age difference might make it hard to continue things in the long-run. That sting and I kind of unnecessarily defended myself and said that it was a bit premature of him to formulate his decision given we only spent a couple of hours with each other.
That being said, I'm attracted to him because of his intelligence, his ways of thinking and being, and I respect him for his successful academic career. Then he told me that he would reconsider his decision. This morning he texted me saying it's best we leave things here. I said that I respect his decision and the feeling is mutual (it obv isn't.)
The issue is that I've had a history of guys rejecting me prematurely without even getting to know me fully. This particular rejection has brought up a lot of past memories and triggers and is kind of making me consider my life choices. I don't know, I've been told I'm conventionally attractive. But the issue is, I prefer intellectual vitality, intelligence and empathy (all the qualities he has) over any other artificial traits. I'm afraid I get attached too easily in the talking stage.
I know that he's very correct in his reasoning and honestly it makes sense. I'm young, and I'm sensitive. I'm in an environment that isn't the right fit for me. He's someone who represents something that's greater than myself, he works a full-time job, he has friends, other connections. There's his life and then there's mine. In the normal dating world, to other people, this was just one date with someone who wasn't a match. But I can't help but notice the shallowness of an encounter like such. You meet someone, you act your best self, you make them known, he makes you feel, seen and heard. He makes sure you're comfortable. He talks about things that are future-oriented. Then he drives home after that first date and realizes he'd never see you again. WHICH IS FAIR! But there's something about that that doesn't sit right with me. Or maybe I just need to grow up.