I screwed up...out of anger and desperation, trying to prove a point
Husband was out last night and we didn't even get to see each other since the morning since I worked late and his thing started at 5.
He had told me his activity would be over around 8ish and I texted him at 8:30 because I had heard nothing. He was on his bike because he didn't have far to go and didn't want to drive and would be drinking during the activity. I heard back around 8:30 and I guess they were still going. It wasn't a very informative message.
i texted back asking for an ETA and heard nothing. Around 10 I get a text from the bartender at our local spot that my husband is looking for his phone. He didn't ask her to text me, she suggested it to him in case I was trying to reach him. A bit later I decided to go down there to help him look for it. I noticed that he had read my last texts at 9:34 so he probably had his phone at the bar.
I get to the bar. He doesn't even notice that I'm there. He's not looking for his phone, he's just talking and apparently making a new friend who is giving him hits of nitrous (they are outside in the smoking area). I can't believe he's doing nitrous with this random woman...he hasn't done that in decades and has told me how stupid it is. So anyway I come out and say I'm there to help find the phone. I look through his bag, and no phone. Everyone has already looked everywhere and no phone. But it still rings when I try to call it. The bartender realizes that another guy probably drunkenly picked up his phone by accident and took it home. I try to explain this to my husband but he's more interested in hanging out and having his beer (and nitrous). He's pretty drunk.
Now just going down there was probably a mistake on my part, but here's where I really screwed up: I kinda got on his ass for not even telling me he was going to the bar and for being out so late and choosing to get drunk when he gets up for work at 5am the next day. I got into scolding wife mode, which never helps anything. Especially in front of other people. He hates that, but at that point I kinda don't give a shit because I'm upset.
And then, because I was genuinely afraid he would crash trying to ride home (with no lights or helmet), and because I wanted to see if he would even notice, I nonchalantly took his bike and put it in my car. I admit I was also kind of doing this out of anger and spite He had a full view of me taking it if he had bothered to look, but he didn't even notice. It even took me a while because I had to take the front wheel off and he still didn't notice that it was gone.
That proved that anyone could have walked off with his expensive bike and he wouldn't have even seen it happening. I told the bartender to tell him I had the bike if he asked about it, but then I decided to tell him myself. I was kind of an asshole about it, saying that I took it and he didn't even notice, that he had already lost his phone and I didn't want him to lose the bike as well. He was very unhappy about that. He asked me to bring it back and I refused on the grounds that I couldn't trust him. It's actually something I have wanted to do in the past in similar situations and he warned me then how mad he would be if I actually did it. So after I told him about it, he told me that if I ever touched his bike like that again, he would kill me.
I didn't take the threat seriously. I actually responded sarcastically that perhaps I should get the cops involved since he was threatening my life. Afterwards I realized I probably could have told the owner and got him kicked out for the night for threatening me, but I didn't want to do that.
He told me he would be home at some point but he didn't want to go home with me. Fair enough. I told him I might not be home tonight and I left. I ended up going home and writing him a note about how sick of these addictive behaviors I am and how much it hurts that I can't trust him when he's drinking and then I left to sleep in a motel. Because if I had stayed at home I would have not slept at all.
I know I shouldn't have taken his bike home. I'm sure that will make things worse when we eventually talk about this. I had just had enough of the bullshit.
He's actually been doing weekly classes/counseling for a DUI from 20+ years ago (long story, the DMV sucks and screwed something up so he has to do the classes again). I know he's been learning a lot snd reflecting on his drinking and his choices. So to see all of that last night was really disappointing. As if he hasn't learned anything. Even though it looked like he actually was changing his behaviors. Ironically he has another class tonight.
I'm sure when we finally talk that he'll tell me that he would have been home earlier if he didn't lose his phone and if I wouldn't have shown up and pissed him off and embarrassed him. Because when that happens he just chooses to stay out longer because he's mad. Honestly he was already embarrassing himself and didn't even realize it.
I know that my actions didn't help the situation. I was just really upset and disappointed. I wanted him to have consequences for his poor choices. I'm so sad that my 50-something husband is acting like an idiot dude in his 20s. He doesn't drink all the time (maybe 2 times/week) but a couple times a month when he does drink, it's like this and all sense of responsibility or consideration is gone. I just can't trust him not to go overboard and I never know when it's going to be like that.
I'm hoping this will be a learning experience for him but honestly don't know. I certainly don't seem to have learned my lesson to just let him do his thing and not make it worse.