u/Critical_Win_3155

I don't know how to continue living. Even though I have do many privileges in my life, I can't enjoy it. The only moments I'm "happy" is when I'm distracted or dissociated. Even when my days are good I can't enjoy the moment, always anxious for the future. Recently, it feels like life is screaming for me to die. My past days have been shit after shit. My phone broke, I had an awful headache and stomachache, OCD triggers happened, they canceled my exam I had to do very annoying preparatives for, my grandfather died and now my girlfriend is thinking of breaking up with me. I'm genuinely being tortured by the universe and I can't even do anything about it. My girlfriend simply can't take me anymore because my venting is "too much" and she "absorbs negative emotions too easily", but my stupid ass can't keep my mouth shut when I feel like shit and she's around. I simply cannot trust people anymore ever again, it feels like my mindset and needs differ from everyone else's in the whole world. I would do anything for my girlfriend and would take everything for her, I would never call her "too much" in any instances. She promised forever, unconditional love, and staying unlike everyone else. I trusted her and let her touch my body. Now she might go and I feel disgusted at my own body, betrayed by my own feelings, and not wanting to have any sort of human connection ever again. No one ca be trusted, words are never true. Everyone that has come to me in my 18 years of living has always lied to me, and I don't understand a reason to ever keep trying. I can't even do anything against my life anymore because now that I saw my grandfather's body, I cannot stand the thought of making my parents see their own child like that. So I am genuinely just trapped forever in this body I don't even like, both as in appearance that I hate and gender, which I will never be able to be open about unless I want to lose contact with most of my family. I am bound to suffer everyday for the rest of my life without being able to do anything about it. I am literally on 4 medication for my mental heath and still feel like this. I just want to be able to be actually loved the way I love, I am tired of being lied to and trusting promises that are never fulfilled. I hate everything in this world, my only last hope is having a dog but my parents won't even let me. I am so desperate and I just want my girlfriend but it seems I can't even have that, I hate life.