I’m aware of how the title sounds, please let me explain. I’m sure you know the horrific interactions with men that most if not all women go through throughout their life. From those experiences, I internalized mostly one thing from being sexualized for most of my life(for better or for worse): a lot of men are seriously easy, and not that good of people. No I’m not generalizing all men, but you know how (not all)men either falter at the slightest female decency, or treat women they don’t desire as subhumans.
This has seriously affected my love life and general interactions with men into a skewed, flawed mindset. Step one: I’d need him to be caring, extremely good and proper-I’m not into assholes- but not interested in me. It’s because subconsciously, I want to prove to myself that men can be good to me without catching feelings. Step two: I want him to reject my advances, deny my flirting and keep a harsh line between us. It’s never worked so far. If the guy didn’t have feelings beforehand, he would after. Before you yell at me, I’m aware that I’m leading them on, and that’s awful, that I’m being an awful person by doing this. Feelings aren’t even necessarily the issue, it was the sexuality of it all. Is it possible to have a twisted sort of Madonna-whore complex towards yourself?(I wish someone would see me innocently regardless of what I tried). This is a crazy problem to have, and I’m aware I brought this upon myself; I should just enjoy the attention a good boy and be a decent person. Also, maybe “catching feelings” or “like” isn’t the right wording, I just don’t want them to be into me like that.
No I don’t have kinks for taboos, heads-up, BUT I want men to see me in a sisterly way, a “I wanna protect her, innocently” way where they couldn’t bear to lay a hand on me, you know? But as soon as I thought he’s pushed back on enough of my attempts, he cracks and gives in. Even when I tell them straight up I don’t want them to fall for me, it still happens. Even when he doesn’t tell me directly “I like you” I can still tell through their increasing clinginess, the frequency of cheesy half jokes, the way their mannerisms and tone change around me. Well, I guess I shouldn’t expect much if he doesn’t berate me and cut contact after the first few times of crossing his boundaries(that too, unfortunately, never happened). Maybe it’s actually the type of men I attract and this is just my fate. I’m trying to change from being an awful person, I promise, I just wish just once would a guy break the cycle. Maybe instead of breaking it, it’ll just reverses and I’ll be the one wanting him LOL
Sorry for giving you the POV of a horrible person, this is just one of my many complexes about being a woman that I struggle to gripe with, and maybe some can relate without feeling they’re the only person who goes through something like this. Feel free to berate me though, kinda deserved