Writing
I'm struggling with how I can write out this message while remaining very anonymous, as well as ideally avoiding actual confrontation. Although, the only way through this in the end will probably require face-to-face interaction at some point.
So, some backstory: I used to model. I started at 13 and stopped at 28. I am now 35, and I've never really discussed the difficult things that happened while in that industry. There is a lot of self-blame, even though I was a child through a lot of those harmful experiences, and more embarrassment as other things happened as I got older.
I honestly thought I wouldn't have to deal with some of the things I experienced because I left the industry. I thought I was gone from it.
More recently, I've been forced off work due to chronic pain and exhaustion. The last decade has been difficult, and I've now been off work for 5 years. Besides doctor appointments and treatment appointments, I don't really interact with many people outside of those I choose to see.
During my time off, I found my way back to art, mostly because I wasn't physically able to do my usual hobbies. Sitting and sewing was something I could handle and manage on my own schedule, while also relieving stress through creativity. After a few dozen hand-sewn lampshades, I decided I actually wanted to lean into my art and start selling it/putting it out there in shops. I've truly enjoyed being creative again. I mostly sell custom work, but I still enjoy building my own stock.
Earlier today, I was Googling local art spaces, shows, city grants, etc. There is actually a lot of support for local artists where I live, including artist programs and grants to apply for. As I was going through the information on the city site for the local art association/art center my region provides, I started scrolling through the board members.
Then I saw him.
Who is "him"? He was the first photographer who pressured me into inappropriate modeling work. I was 15.
He offered me "free photos" when I was just starting, and what started as what I assumed would be a harmless shoot eventually crossed personal boundaries. The worst part is that I went back twice as a teen to shoot with him. I didn't have the support system between my agent or my parents to complain about a photographer. He was so established and praised within the community for his work and involvement that no one ever had a bad word to say about him. I was also very literally taught to never be problematic at shoots or shows, which led me to do many uncomfortable jobs throughout my modeling career.
Besides my therapist and my partner, I've never actually spoken about what happened. Even with my therapist, I never went that deep into it. It was the early 2000s, and I think unhealthy behavior on set was expected in some ways, even if you were a child.
So fast forward to now: I've relocated back home because of my illness and started making art. Going through the city site for grants and exposure information, I started reading profiles of people on the board.
Then I saw his name. Then I saw his picture.
I just assumed he would've been retired by now because it's been 20 years. But he's not. He's on city and regional boards connected to supporting local artists.
I am numb with pain and exhausted emotionally.
What do I do?
I still plan on waiting another year before really pushing my art further. But unless I face him, being present locally/regionally means I may eventually have to see him again.
I don't know what to do. I feel stuck when it comes to pushing and promoting my art because it feels inevitable that I'll have to interact with him again. But at the same time, how am I supposed to get my work out there without going through spaces connected to him?
There's also a darker side of me that wants to expose what happened and somehow use that power to help get my art out there more. But I'm afraid of the negative consequences that could bring, as well as being forced to think about that period of my life over and over again.
Seeing someone connected to exploitation on a board representing local artists in my city has made my brain spiral over and over.
I need advice. And if not advice, maybe validation in how lost I currently feel.