Hello everyone. I’m a dad of two (ages 6 and 4), currently in a 10+ year relationship (not married or in a partnership). We live in the UK, so I’d particularly value perspectives and experiences from those familiar with the UK legal and housing system implications, though all advice is welcome.
EDIT: forewarning, my post is not a trigger to start a gender roles war/reflection of any sort. My current personal situation is what it is, and will be somewhat similar but also very different to a lot of other lives that many other men and women are living out there in my country, I would really appreciate practical advice relating to my situation and people that went through a similar situation, to share their experience, if they feel comfortable in doing so, thanks!
The TL;DR: For those who have separated, what went according to your expectations, and what was better or worse than you imagined regarding your kids, your general wellbeing, your mental health, and your living situation?
Bonus: How did you finally decide whether to keep the relationship intact or break it? It feels like the most complex and impactful decision of my life. It very likely is.
The Context:
I feel completely unsupported. I work fully remote, I have a couple of health conditions, and my partner works in a different city, so she is completely away from home for 2-3 days a week. This has been the case now for 5 years running, since when she is back from maternity leave.
Despite me asking for a fixed schedule so I can manage my physical and mental energy, she constantly changes her days with little notice. When we have had discussions about it, she recognises the importance of a fixed schedule and she says she has been making active efforts to stick to the same days, but it never felt it was the case. So I started tracking it: since January, she has only stuck to her fixed days for 5 weeks; she broke them for 8.
Due to this, I find it mentally hard to do something I have been meaning to do for years: sticking to one set day a week when I can go and work at a hot-desking location so I can get out of the house. I am otherwise stuck inside the house 95% of my life, handling the kids and chores solely for a couple of days a week when she is in the office, or a pretty much equal split the rest of the week. For other tasks, I am the sole owner and responsible party, for example, DIY renovations, car maintenance, insurances, etc.
We did a year of couple’s counselling to talk about the above and other topics, which helped briefly, but the same issues have returned and perhaps worsened. Also, there is a mismatch in priorities. A silly example, but ofc there is more where I feel my decision power or authority are essentially undermined: she insists on her routines (like brushing hair twice a day) but dismisses mine like ignoring to wash their feet when they have been playing outside and she is in charge of bedtime; or giving them a quick rinse without soap. I feel like I'm asking for favours rather than having a partner with whom I am parenting together and decisions/initiatives are equally important.
Trust and Fidelity:
Sex has been almost non-existent for a decade. During our time in counselling, where lack of sex was also one of the topics, I discovered she was having an emotional affair with a colleague: messaging every day, sending (non nude) pictures, and hiding his existence from me entirely, even though she tells me about other work colleagues and their lives even though I don't know them.
She lied twice when I confronted her about it. I had to show her a picture I took of their work chat to make her admit it. Although she promised to cut ties, I know they are now seeing each other again in more than a professional capacity. I don't have any hard proof though, and based on past experiences when she denied everything despite me having hard proof, I feel like bringing it up now is just going to make things more bitter and increase her guard, and she is anyway not going to admit to anything.
At the time it was a real kick in the guts, especially as she started seeing this guy as we were already going through counselling; excuse the language, but it really felt like a massive "**** you" to the commitment I was putting in those sessions, believing in it and trying to improve me and our relationship.
The Fear (My Reality Check):
This is what scares me most: I am not from England. I have no family here and only a small circle of friends.
- Housing: If we separate and we can't find an amicable resolution, I worry the court will push for the kids to stay in the family home, with one week myself being with them and one week her. On the week I am not with the kids, where do I go? I don’t have the money to buy or rent a flat alone. The idea of living in an HMO with strangers who likely have their own set of challenges in life, while my mental health is already low, feels very damaging.
- Relocation: She has family and her parents living in a big house in the city where she works. I am terrified that if we split, she will try to move the kids closer to her parents. If the court agrees, I’d have to move to a city which is more expensive than the current one and where I have zero ties just to be near my children. I understand it is/should be impossible without my consent, but it is still a fear that keeps circling in my head during these confusing months.
- The "Doormat" Option: Is it better to just swallow the hard pill? Do I renounce the idea of support and fidelity just to keep a roof over my head and daily access to my kids, until they leave home to go to university for example? Or is the idea of "a week on, a week off" as invigorating as it sounds in my head?
I’m conscious there are two sides to every story, but this is mine. I feel drained, alone, stuck, and trapped. Any advice or "reality checks" would be deeply appreciated.