Hi everyone, I’m coming here for some advice on how I can truly process and put my relationship behind me. It’s been just over a year since my ex-girlfriend and I broke up, and even though I’ve been in another brief relationship in the interim (which just didn’t work out), I still feel stuck on moving on from my previous girlfriend.
Our relationship lasted close to a year, and it was a bit of a whirlwind overall. She was my first true relationship, and I really did (and still do) love her. Our circumstances were a bit difficult, to say the least. She’s working two full-time jobs to support herself, and I’ve been dealing with some pretty big personal stuff for the past few years. We actually were coworkers at one of her jobs, that’s how we met. As a result of her predicament, our time together could be a little strained. Things had this really intense passion at the start. We spent lots of time together (maybe a little too much, by both of our own admission), and even if we had our spats, we always worked them out quickly and kindly. But as time went on, the cracks began to form. The toll of her two jobs really started to be felt, us still working together wasn’t really helping with having separation, we started to argue more frequently, it just felt like I watched the person I loved slowly start to lose that same feeling for me, and it really did a number on me. One night, it all came to a head, and she dumped me. I don’t mean to sound over-dramatic, but it truly broke my heart. I tried so hard to hold everything together, I truly thought we could make things work and find that same happiness we had at the start. Probably naivety on my part, in hindsight. I know I wasn’t happy at the end of things, and she wasn’t either. It felt like my attempts to extend olive branches and repair things were often rebuked, things felt so distant.
After our breakup, we decided to remain friends. We still work for the same company (different departments, but we still see each other a fair amount), and we even started hanging out in person again (after my next relationship fell through). It took a lot to continue to be friends, if I’m being honest. Our relationship caused us both a fair amount of pain, and we had plenty of conversations about the things we needed to say in order to maintain a friendship. Receiving honest apologies about the hurt I felt was gratifying and helped me heal somewhat, but I still feel stuck.
She’s in a new relationship now, so we’re not quite hanging out again, considering. We still see each other at work, we’ll casually hang out there, but the vibe has shifted again. I’m happy for her, and I wish her nothing but the best with her new partner. We both have agreed that we’d still like to be friends (with boundaries to respect her new commitment), and considering that we did the same thing when I was in my relationship after her, that’s fine with me.
Enough rambling though, let me get to the point. Like I said earlier, I still feel stuck. I feel like the pain is still in my heart, I replay all the things that went wrong in my head on a loop, all the times I felt unloved and uncared for. I always keep in mind that she’s earnestly, truly apologized for her mistakes, and I’ve done the same for my part. I know she’s not a bad person in the slightest, that her circumstances are awful and that she was going through a lot. I still love her, and while I know that we probably won’t give things another shot, I feel like I’m still constantly hoping for that deep down. I just wanna be able to put these feelings to rest. I don’t wanna cut her off, she hasn’t done anything to deserve that and I still care immensely about her as a person, and vice versa, according to her. I don’t mean to sound like I want to have it both ways, but I’d just like to fully rationalize my feelings, my pain, and evolve past them, while maintaining a positive connection with her in some sense.