Like the title says. Food is my alcohol, my drug of choice.
I beg and plead with myself everyday to stop. Stop myself from wanting it, I wish I could change the feeling of wanting it. I've never craved so much more than I do food.
How do I explain this to someone who is normal? Or someone who uses another drug as their drug of choice?
I expain it like this.
You crave cigarettes. You want them and need them.
But imagine that you have to have cigarettes to live. So you can't cut it out completely, but you go from smoking your cigarette of choice to something much cheaper and you can only have 3 a day, no expectations.
This is me with food. I can't stop eating completely ( though I wish they would just put a tube down my throat so I never have to eat again. ) and I have to only eat the lowest carb, lowest calorie just to survive.
And I don't live alone, I have a husband and kids who deserve to eat and live a normal life. So I get to see the good food, the smell and I can't dare touch it.
One touch and I'm hooked again and I will binge eat. I will eat till I feel sick and even than can't stop. It's like I'll never eat again and if I don't get it right then and there the world will just stop.
I wish I wasn't like this.
I beg myself to stop and I can't.
My husband loves me. My children love me. But they don't understand how I feel, and honestly I don't want anyone to feel this way. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
I have to hide who I am. I have to pretend I am okay. I fake a smile. I act like I am okay.
But I'm not. And one day I'm scared I'll end it all because I don't want to be like this anymore.
How do you go from over 300 pounds to 180s, and still absolutely hate yourself. The sight of myself in the mirror just makes me cringe.
I see a therapist.
I take my meds.
And I am still like this.
Still the sad little girl who doesn't understand..