Hey, I’ve never really shared something this personal here, but I’m [20F] and I was in a relationship for 2.5 years. We went to different universities, but during summer we lived in the same city and lived very close to each other’s homes. I am unsure if I was in a healthy relationship or not and I feel like how the relationship ended was because of me cause they were a loving person so for sure I must have done something to change that, and how could I forgive myself and to stop self blame?
I’m really conflicted about it. I made beautiful memories with him, but I also got hurt in ways I can’t ignore. Now that it’s over, I keep questioning myself, like maybe I lost something amazing or maybe I stayed in something that wasn’t healthy.
There were good parts. He planned dates, brought me flowers, and did thoughtful things like giving me his shoes when mine hurt and walking in socks. He made me feel loved and even helped me feel more confident about myself, especially about my smile. He would write me notes, make things by hand, and was gentle and caring in many ways. My mom loved him too. I truly believed he was a kind, genuine person, which is why this is so hard to process.
But there are things I can’t forget.
Over time, I started feeling like I was always the problem. One summer after long distance, he barely made time for me. I felt so neglected, even when I was asking for just an hour a day. He told me I was being awful and that he couldn’t orbit around me. Later, when I was the one busy with school, he treated me badly, and somehow I still ended up feeling like the bad one.
There were moments that hurt in deeper ways. Once, while we were making out and watching a romantic movie, he told me he had already watched all the “good romance movies” with his mom. Knowing how close they were, that broke something in me. It made me feel like nothing about those moments was special or unique to us so I cried for days and that night feeling why would he say that when he knows where we were headed to.
When my country was going through a really difficult time and I had lost someone in the conflict, I just needed comfort. I never took anything out on him, I just wanted a shoulder to lean on. But he said, “THIS IS LIKE ANY OTHER CRISIS IN THE WORLD TO ME.” That stayed with me cause I never really mentioned it often of anything so there wasn’t any consistent pressure on him from my trauma on him I mentioned it maybe MAX twice!
Near the end, things got worse. One night, we were supposed to share a ride back cause we both visited toronto I for a Hackathon and him to have a boys night with his cousins and Ik things weren’t good between us so I wanted to see him even if for a bit during a ride. He never told me he wouldn’t be there. I only found out after I had already arrived at a highway mall close to 1 AM. I was alone in a dark parking lot, and at one point two people started approaching me, which honestly scared me. The ride situation got confusing, and I ended up crying in a car with the uber driver. That night could have ended so much worse. It felt like his emotions surpassed my safety.
After that, he sent a short “I’m sorry” paragraph and never really brought it up again. I went to visit him at his university for a night, and he seemed genuinely sad, and I forgave him because I couldn’t handle seeing him like that. I told myself it was a genuine mistake. But even now, I still can’t forget how badly that situation could have ended.
Before the ride conflicts I had the worse hackathon experience ever, and I told him about one of the guys in my team made me really uncomfortable ( he was like 55 years old), to the point where I cried. Instead of asking if I was okay, he asked, “Why would he do that? Call your friends and empty yourself out” It made me feel like I had done something wrong and that I was in wrong for the teammate to treat me such.
The hardest part was when I was sick and scared about my health. I had been going to the ER and was genuinely afraid I might have cancer. I needed support more than ever, on my last ER visit before my colonoscopy and endoscopy I told him Im scared and feel sick ( I never told him I think I might have cancer cause Ik he would end up making about him how he was somehow more hurt from my sickness than me and I end up feeling like the awful partner) but he told me he couldn’t stop his life for me and chose to go play volleyball so I never mentioned anything and said it was nothing and that Im fine.
He broke up with me on my New Year’s, right before my exams. He said he was tired of hurting me and couldn’t continue. He also shared something personal about himself that made him feel insecure, and in that moment I comforted him, hugged him, and reassured him while crying and feeling bad for him ( side note he said all the pressure has cause him to self pleasure, meaning my body does not satisfy him ). Because of that, I thought it was a safe space for me to finally open up too. I wanted to tell him everything I had been holding in, especially how scared I was about my health and everything else that had been building up. But the second I started instead of understanding, he told me to go ki!! myself. That’s something I can’t erase.
After the breakup, I even drunk texted him silly memes and accidentally made a joke around line of having cancer and later when I sober up I apologized and had to explain why I said that and kinda explained the procedures I was gonna have. In that moment, he did seem to care but like how a stranger would say they would care cold, which made everything even more confusing. But after that, when I told him I had my diagnosis coming up, he just said “good luck” and never followed up or asked how it went. Making me feel so dumb for wanting him to care to begin with thinking I am being an attention seeker and that this is indeed non of his business and why should he care. But than a man that used to tell me how deeply he loves me how can he not care if the same loved one same person is in such a situation, no need to get deep just a hey u okay just wanted to check on see if if went well typa of thing.
Even after everything, I still can’t fully hate him. I saw the good in him, and I believe he tried in some ways. But I also can’t ignore how much I was hurt and I want to know how in similar situation how did you learn to forgive yourself and not to blame yourself after a breakup?
Also to this day my mom doesn’t know these but she loved him and believed he was a great person and if you see him he seems great and childish and naive :) making it hard to believe he did those stuff leaving me feeling yet again it was me not him