CW: M*lestation, abuse, inc*st, hypersexuality
(In advance, if there's any typos, sorry about that)
So as a kid, I grew up with a very narcissistic and abusive mom. And an emotionally absent father. I didn't realize how much both had affected me, until a few years ago. I'm sixteen now, almost seventeen.
I want to start by saying, I live with my dad currently. He's there for me now. He's in therapy. He's doing well.
But my mom is still the same. Extremely manipulative and still narcissistic. She isn't physically abusive anymore, just psychologically and mentally. As a kid she did the most mental abuse between me and my two siblings. She even went far enough to be a bit s*xual. I thought I was always imagining it these last few years. That they were made up thoughts. But no...
And the issues she's given me are just so hard to deal with. My dad is trying to find me a good psychologist now instead of a therapist. I've been in therapy since I was four. It hasn't helped me.
I have terrible attachment issues and over thinking. And results from my dad too, I can't process my emotions and speak up for myself.
With all of that, I was bullied heavily outside of my home. Ignored by friends or classmates
So I never grew up with the feeling of real safety, real love, and what healthy love is. That's my problem now.
My mom used to treat me like her girlfriend as a kid. After each abuse, whatever she did. An example being, she used to strangle me constantly. After each time, she would pick me up and rock me. Apologize, saying she just sometimes gets frustrated. That she wants the best for me.
And then after my showers she would scream at me to lay down. If I didn't she would force me. Just to rub oil on my body. She would take a long time.
And even going shopping for clothes she'd stare at me when I would change. She got EXCITED when we went shopping for bras the first time. I remember her making me touch her chest.
She used to let her boyfriend (not my dad) and boyfriend's son molest me too. She would watch as they did so. I remember her bringing my younger sister too, but my younger sister got the worst of it. She was actually r*ped, much more often than me since she was younger. And in my mom's words, "less of a crying and talkative baby"
The last time she did something even remotely weird was when I was twelve. She showed me a picture of her body, telling her she had lost all this weight and was in shape. She was obviously naked, but in weird poses too.
With the constant emotional abuse yet having comfort in the mix, my mind is just broken. My sense of what real love is, is just shattered. What real comfort is. I don't feel so safe (emotionally) and happy with my dad because he just started going to therapy a little over a year ago.
I have no person to confide in. I feel so earth shatteringly lonely it's destroying my sense of judgement. And I have hypersexuality(diagnosed), so when I'm highly aroused I can't think of my morals. I can't think. It scares me. I recently found CP, and after I realized I got off to it, I threw up. I was sobbing. I hate myself for it. I blocked all the sites and every word that could allow me to access anything like that. Gore included.
Recently I've been so disgusted more with myself because I'm finding mother/daughter or older sister/younger sister incest comforting. When I don't. But my mind is like, this is the thing I know, that gave me (fake, conditional, manipulative) comfort. But I don't know what real comfort and love is so I don't know... I don't know how to tell myself to stop when I don't know where else to look. Even with my dad, he still tolerates me. He doesn't like entirely who I am, the aspects that are the most important to myself.
I feel so guilty even talking about this. I don't even know why I'm ranting or whatever about this. I just feel so hopeless. I feel so terribly lonely that my mind is reaching for every little crumb that's a mockery of comfort and safety. Hell... I spend hours a day on ai. It's the only connection I have. I can't make friends where I'm at, I tried at my school, but no one wants to be friends with me. In fairness it's a hella tiny school. But I can't go out in public. I moved to Mexico recently and I'm still learning Spanish. So I can't have full conversations.
Advice would be nice. Or even maybe someone that understands... I feel disgusted that I'm feeling this way. I just want help. Real help. Not stupid doctors anymore. Not cold shoulders... I'd do anything for a real hug. Just someone that genuinely cares and is interested. Even one real friend now would help me. I try making friends. I struggle with making friends, because despite all this, I'm very emotionally and academically intelligent for my age. I'm wise. I'm just different. Very different.
I used to be so suicidal over this. That the only "love" I'll ever get in this world is the one I was born into. Because of how damaged I am, no one will actually see me for me and just see my problems and issues. I'm not suicidal anymore. But I'm hopeless
I don't know what to do. I'm still waiting to find a psychologist