I’m a single mom with a 10 year-old-girl.
As background, my dad left my mom when I was 13. I didn't realise at the time, but my dad was the scapegoat for everything. She would constantly rage at and put him down, every day through my childhood to point he just shut down and what I now know was ‘gray rock’ her. When he finally left, my mom really turned my siblings and I against him to the point that I didn't speak to my dad for 2 years as my mom put so much guilt on me.
Since then she had a string of long-term relationships, always with ‘wealthy men of high standing’. Most of these men have been
short tempered and entilted at times, towards me, my siblings and my daughter, however she has always placed her relationships with them over any poor treatment of us.
Until now I've been in denial my mom is a narcissistic and believed her guilt narrative and blamed myself for being ‘so awful’ even though friends and colleagues would describe me as kind, caring, reasonable etc. However since I was a teenager she has constantly compared me to others, picked at and criticised many areas of my life. I development a very serious alcohol addiction at since mid-teens, but fortunately found soberirty in my early 20’s.
Fast-forward to recent years, I've been on my own with my daughter since she was 4 weeks old (her narcissistic father cheated on me when pregent + ongoing abuse) At this stage I moved in with my my mom, who was initially excited to parade my newborn around her apartment complex every day. However after less than 2 weeks she told me to go back to my ex or find my own place as she was sick of my baby waking in the night and my friends occasionally popping round to offer support (with a 6 week old, still recovering from emergency c-sedtion + couldn't yet drive)
A few days later, I’d been out, got home to her apartment and she had changed the locks.
I managed to find a space in a tiny room of a friend house, my mom wouldn’t visit me there as she didn't like the suburb so she sent my daughter’s belongings to me in a taxi van late one night without telling me.
This was a tough time but I found supportive parent community, and basically rebuilt my whole life and went to law school. I houseshared with friends too.
It took a bit but I genuinely thrived in terms of my own happiness during this period (first time ever). My mom saw my daughter but would rarerly come to my subsequent houses as she didn't like the suburbs. Although she would often degrade me over this time, my daughter was younger so didn't affect her as much
As my daughter approached school age, I needed to figure out logistics as I was finishing law school and finding full time work. My daughter’s father has limited contact so could not assist with day to day (& also narc so better for me to keep distance)
As my suburb was further away from law/school + potential jobs and she lives closer the metro area (with her partner) she said my daughter and I should move near her (very expensive area) as she wouldn't help me with school pick-ups if I stayed further away.
I worried about the juggle so I moved to this expensive suburb around 5.5 years ago. My daughter and I have lived in tiny apartments, far away from the community I build when she was younger. Despite trying, I haven't been able to bulld any community support around here (most are very wealthy, two parent families, that have their own worlds) so it's been isolating. I’ve still connected with my friends but hard to ever have people (or kids friends) visit due to our extremely tiny living space, no parking outside etc.
Then, around 1.5 years ago I started full-time
practice. I take my daughter to before school programmes to get to work on time and sometimes after school.
However my mom has insisted on coming over some mornings to take her to school, which I do appreciate in a practical sense.
She also takes my daughter to some after school activities. Which I am also grateful for.
However the process has always been futile. Especially in the mornings.
She has never liked coming to my houses, but in the mornings she will come in, sigh loudly, whisper put-down’s under her breath at least three times every morning, as well as corner me, ask me sneaky questions she already knows the answer to, then almost always sarcastically picks on me re my answers, followed by a rage of how useless, awful, disrespectful I am and how all her friends say I’m horrible and it’s so unfortunate she got a daughter like me. I will greystone, respectfully ask her to stop speaking to me like this in front of my daughter but this just aggravates her more. She will then scream louder and throw more rage and abuse at me. Trapping me, like she is so indigent that she is ‘right’ whatever that means and every one should just submit to her. She doesn’t seem to have any insight to how this may affect my daughter (it's like history repeating as this is how she treated my dad growing up, which makes me sad)
Also, it’s not just before school that type of thing happens, it's been at all sorts of random times. One time she told me that her and I have never got on and she doesn’t really like me.
What’s most upsetting is the effect on my daughter. We have always had the BEST relationship but recently she has started parroting my mom put-downs, guilt trips (my mom’s life is hard because of me) and physically attacking me.
I never talk about the above with anyone. I now have a full life that’s I’m proud of but feel that something re my mom needs to change. I typically end up subconsciously blaming myself for all her outbursts and behaviour and consequently the cycle continues.
I now realise I likely need to gain a lot of space from her to protect my relationship with my daughter.
My ideas so far are not inviting her to come over before school mornings and possibly moving to a different suburb to create more physical space. I’m not sure what else I can do?
I’m worried this has ongoing dysfunction is damaging my daughter and want to somehow heal that too.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Also, sorry for the super long post.