u/Creative_Scar_4016

I write about you.

I dream about you.

You still find your way into everything.

Most days, my mind is overcast. A quiet, endless drizzle that soaks through everything without asking. A song, a phrase, a memory. Small things that shouldn’t matter, but do. And then some days, it’s a hurricane. I replay the worst moments on a loop,

like I’m trying to punish myself into understanding them. I sit in my car alone, crying until my chest feels hollow.

Every day around four, something in me still expects to see you. I remember it so clearly. Pulling into the driveway, the dogs at the fence, you in the sunroom, smiling, waving. Like I was someone worth coming home to.

We built a life out of ordinary things.

And somehow, it was everything.

Falling onto the couch together, talking about nothing and everything at once. Your hands on my feet, mine on yours. Watering our plants and getting excited about new leaves. Rewatching the same shows, laughing like it never got old. Loving on those dogs every second we got.

Life was warm. Easy. Full in a way I didn’t even realize at the time.

Now I walk into a life that doesn’t feel like mine. There’s food on the table, voices in the room, but none of it feels like home. I go through the motions like I’m just passing through, trying to ignore how loud the silence gets when you’re not there to break it.

Your absence isn’t just something I notice. It’s something I live inside of. It follows me through every hour, every quiet moment, every version of the life I used to have. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. I scream at the universe. I curse at God. I look for something, anything, to blame, but it always comes back to me. You’re a stranger now and I don’t know how to survive that. The grief is unbearable. How someone can go from being my home to being gone forever.

I’ll spend the rest of my life missing you longer than I ever got to love you. I would do it all again for the opportunity to fall in love with you time and time again, knowing our tragic ending would destroy me.

I hold onto the memories. Even when they cut too deep, even when they ruin otherwise normal days. Because they’re the only place you still exist the way I remember you.

I let go of a prayer for you. Not knowing where it lands, or if it reaches you. I just hope you’re happy, smoosh.