Independent
That’s my identity - I’m independent
I was raised by a firm mother who didn’t know how to express emotional/physical love, I can count on one hand how many times she’s hugged me. I would cry and get the old adage of “dry your tears, pick yourself up, it could be worse”
I accomplished everything I was told to accomplish- get a degree, a career, get married, have children - and the outcome?
Independence
Why independence ? Because I was never truly loved, taken care of, listened to, supported - why? Because I’m independent.
And now I’m alone.
My partner left me to raise our 18mo old by myself - my mistake, I chose the wrong partner because all of my life I sought love out of desperation for the feeling of the security I was missing as a child, and the life pressures drilled into me from a young age - education, career, marriage, children.
But why cry about it? I’m independent.
Fast forward years later, I cried today because my child filled a glass of ice for me so I didn’t have to do it by myself.
My child’s act of showing me love gave me the realization that my independence has now turned to loneliness and I don’t think I’ll ever get out of it.
One day my child will grow up and have their own journey, and I love that for them. I can’t be selfish and put pressure on my child to fill the holes in my heart that they aren’t responsible for, because thats my job as their mother, and I hope my child grows to be confident, selfless and continuous showing kindness through acts of selfless love. I hope they grow to be better than me.
But in the end, I’m sad, because I’ll still have my independence and I don’t think I’ll find a partner who will bring me a cup with ice.
Why? Because through my independence I built walls, insecurities, from trusting my heart with all the wrong people hoping they would love me, be selfless with me, but in the end .. they all just broke me.
And now… I’m regretful, alone, and feeling lost.
Thanks for listening 💕