Being told I (M42) lied by my wife(f42)
(Throwaway account)Long story but essentially my wife feels like I lied to her because I withheld that I was held someplace overnight and sexually tortured when I was a teen and my means of coping with it has significantly affected my life. I’m really not sure how to take it. Is she reconsidering our life? Is it really lying?
My wife (F42) and I (M42) have been married for 18.5 years. We have been through the roommates phase with kids and work affecting our lives. We finally started to open back up to each other in 2023. We essentially were like we were when we dated. We shared thoughts and opinions more openly especially in regards to our sexual wants or needs. She asked for some restraint play which I agreed to. During the act I started having a panic attack, nausea shaking hyperventilating etc. I got dressed told her I’m sorry and left the room to try to collect myself. She came to me asking what she had done wrong and I told her nothing. I was sobbing at this point along with trembling. She said it had to be something she hadn’t seen me like this before. I kept denying but she started getting upset, I am sure feeling insecure. I finally just told her I can’t do that it really bothers me. She kept asking why, it’s ok we are exploring. I told her because of what he did. She was confused asked what do you mean? And the floodgate opened of what I had never told a anyone. She listened and cried and told me she was sorry. She said honestly that explains a lot about you. She’s been supportive, actively encouraged me to go to therapy. Has been mindful that I am dealing with something that even though it happened over 25 years ago, my mind still feels like it was yesterday.
Lately when we argue she has started throwing at me that I lied to here for over a decade. I know I was wrong to dump it all in her lap and to have not been open about it in the past. I had never been able to admit it to myself really and had buried it so much that it wasn’t an active thought but its impact influenced day to day things. I can’t be in crowds. I have to be able to see exits. I am very uncomfortable when I’m alone with someone. If plans alter on the fly it really throws me off and I become very agitated due to having unknown things thrust onto me. I struggle to be happy or enjoy things. I have a very low sense of self worth as I feel like I’ll always be broken or just the wreckage of what could have been a great life.(I know I do with her but it’s just the feeling) I have always felt like I’ll never really be a man and I have to carry a shell for everyone to see. I know all of this has affected her as well and I can understand feeling like she was lied to. How am I supposed to respond to this? Or make of this? I’ve asked her flat out if she had known would it have made a difference on her marrying me and she has said no, so I don’t know if she is wanting something else from me? I have apologized sincerely. Did I break her trust?