I really want to be better, and I feel like I am actively trying to pursue the things that bring me joy but it just doesn't help because it's offset by having to deal with my medical issues, my family, or the fact that a lot of my close friends are far away or isolate themselves when they aren't feeling okay (so they ignore me, which I understand even if it hurts sometimes).
The biggest issue really is my family. I'm 18F, so I'm about to graduate high school. I want to take a gap year to work since I've never had a stable job and apartments are expensive. I'm living with my mom (parents are divorced and can't stand each other even if they want to pretend they can), and she is a borderline hoarder who does not put in enough effort for anything long enough for it to be worth it. We just moved (for the 19th time in my life, at least) from my aunt's attic that I shared with my two siblings, to this absolute shithole that needs a million repairs, which she has given up on. My mom has always been bad at cleaning and both of my siblings are lazy as fuck and won't do anything to clean up their messes so I don't feel like I can exist in the house outside of my room because it is filthy (and no, I won't clean it because I don't even make a mess when I'm doing things and it'll be the same the next day). I love my mom a lot, but as I've gotten older I've noticed how selfish she is and it hurts.
My sister has always been rude and indignant, and my mom enables her. She is 15 and hasn't been in any type of school for over a year and a half, and I have been lying to my dad for that long about her schooling because my mom and my sister told me to. The only reason that I haven't said anything is because I don't think I can handle another custody battle between my parents (even if it doesn't apply to me, I am the family mediator), and all the other issues that will come as a result. It makes me feel sick every time I have to, and I am terrified for the day that he finds out. I just think that he is going to hate me once he finds out, which is warranted but still sucks because I never wanted to lie to him, and I especially didn't want to lie for my sister who screams at me, throws things at me, tells me that nobody loves me or wants to be around me, and gets anything she wants even if we can't afford it. Out of my two siblings, she is the issue. My little brother is fine, just a lazy teenager lol
My dad is kind of a dick and he's also financially unstable, just like my mom. He has always been way more structured and strict than my mom (which is the only reason I have any form of discipline at all so it wasn't all bad), and he has a huge problem saying things nicely. He can say some really mean shit sometimes and brings up stuff at the completely wrong times because he just can't let things go. He's gotten better over the years, but he still has problems with it. Another thing about him that has come about recently is his religion. He has chilled out a little bit, but he converted to what I would describe as psuedo-evangelicalism. He is very adamant about the fact that his religion is the right one, and everything else is evil. Everything that we used to bond over, science, music, shows etc. are "fabrications of Satan". He has stopped saying that things I bring up are evil, but it was really common at the beginning of this saga. Now he mostly just doesn't say anything and stares off into space until I talk about something else. It sucks because I really liked my dad, even if he was mean and it's ironic because to me it feels like he's possessed lol he used to be completely against Christianity and yet here we are. It doesn't help that I'm queer and part of a different set of spiritual beliefs (which he thankfully doesn't know).
I have a lot going for me, I'm very smart and I am lucky enough to know exactly what I want to pursue once I do leave and get to go to college but it just feels like it's not worth it sometimes. I don't want to have to push through anymore. I love my family, but the issues we have mixed with being ignored and the state of the world are making it hard for me to see a good way out. I feel like I don't have enough going on in my life to feel this awful, but I just do. Am I just upset over nothing?? (genuinely asking)