Good afternoon, everyone.
My social behavior in interactions isn't normal. I suffered bullying for a long time as a child, and now I'm forty years old and I find it difficult to socialize: my body language is tense, my conversations are forced.
I always try to be very kind, help where I can, and I work very hard. But I can't seem to build meaningful connections with the people around me. Often, even after just meeting me, people clearly don't feel comfortable around me, and they tend to avoid me quite a bit. For example, after only a day of knowing me.
Furthermore, I delve deeply into the technical aspects of my work, which leads me to bring up things that are often perceived as attacks by some people.
Currently, I've heard quite a few people gossiping about me at the office. What they usually say is that I'm weird. I don't belong to any social circle. One colleague, from the very first day I started this job, treated me with disdain. She wouldn't talk to me, and she'd get very tense whenever I asked her a question or tried to make small talk with her. Sometimes I'd ask her something, and she'd get up and leave without answering, and then she'd make fun of me to the other colleagues. Anything I suggested, she showed great contempt and disdain, and she did everything she could to prevent me from moving forward with my proposal.
Another person, a manager, I overheard her behind me, imitating my speech (when I'm very anxious, I sometimes babble), and mockingly saying that I was pathetic, while she and her friend, another manager, laughed their heads off.
Another colleague has yelled at me several times when I've politely pointed out a procedure that needs correcting (she's very volatile, but it really scares me when that happens).
When a new colleague joins, I usually get along very well with them, but I notice a distance between me and the people who are already at my job.
Sometimes, when I pass someone in the hallway, they turn their head and eyes away to avoid saying hello. With others, I try to approach them and ask how they are, but they don't even stop for a moment. They keep walking a little faster and sometimes walk away without answering. I thought I got along well with a new girl, but I've already heard her comment twice that I'm very strange.
I recently got a promotion and now work in a shared office with a colleague I thought I got along with. I had to take a long sick leave for anxiety and depression. When I returned to work, on my first day, my colleague told me she was going to switch her teleworking days and that we wouldn't be in the office at the same time anymore (her reason was that this way we would have the service covered in person every day, but I know that's a very strange reason, since on the days I'm working alone now, I don't work in that specific department she was referring to, because it's not something that can be done every day).
The fact that my colleague did that, and did it so quickly when I returned from sick leave, hurt me deeply.
There are only two of us on my team now. My colleague is good at talking to people, especially about work. In approximately 95 percent of the work-related inquiries from other departments, they always call or email him. I feel useless and invisible, and I try harder to be friendlier and more helpful, but it doesn't work (our job consists of other departments sending us things, and we review them).
I feel like I'm becoming more isolated and alone every day. I can't change jobs for another year. I don't think what's happening to me is workplace bullying; I think people just don't like me. But I need to vent and maybe get some encouragement from someone, or simply know what other people think.
As I explained earlier, I can sometimes behave strangely in social interactions because I have some post-traumatic stress or social anxiety, which makes me act scared, tense, and forced in these situations. I'm afraid of making a bad impression, saying something inappropriate, and so on. But I always try to be very kind and approachable. I try to help and collaborate, I'm very transparent, I try to make improvements, and I try to make people feel comfortable… When someone new comes in, I offer to help them, I talk to them to make them feel welcome, and so on.
Thank you everyone
Sorry my english is very bad