27M, together with 26F for 11 months, and I think I need to end the relationship but I can’t find the courage
I’ve been in therapy for months and recently realized I’ve basically been a people pleaser my whole life, including in this relationship. As I’ve started improving and understanding myself more, I’ve realized my feelings are not what I thought they were.
I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. On top of that, our visions for the future are completely different — where to live, family, lifestyle, pretty much everything important long term.
The problem is that I’ve never been the one to leave before. I’ve always been the one who got left and I know how shitty it is, since I always thought "even if they lie it is better if they stay" (WRONG). And for the past month I’ve been trying to tell her, then backing out every single time. I get horrible anxiety attacks, I feel physically sick, and I just can’t force the words out.
What makes this harder is that she constantly needs reassurance. Every single day, multiple times a day, she asks if I still love her, if I want to stay with her, if we’re okay, etc (from the day 1). She has a huge fear of abandonment and she often tells me I’m the only good thing in her life because everything else is going badly. And honestly, from what I see, a lot of things really are going badly for her.
That completely destroys me emotionally because it makes me feel responsible for her happiness, and then I start doubting myself again out of guilt.
My therapist told me that in this situation I need to think about myself, not about protecting everyone else from pain. Rationally I know she’s right, but emotionally I feel like a coward.
(Long story short I lived my whole infance/teens year seeing my sister crying during night for love stuff)
We also live 2 hours apart by car, so I don’t even know how to do this. In person? Phone call? Text first to warn her? I genuinely don’t know.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you find the courage to actually do it?