My parents. Each of them terrible people to everyone around them including me. They talk shit about everyone, ive heard them talk shit about me. They've screamed and hit me, and pretend it never happened. Tell me people in my life hate me, pretend it never happened.
They'll even gaslight me in the same conversation to try to get out of something terrible/racist/mean they just said. Don't care about anything but street cred and success. Forget when I have surgeries. Never visit. Send me stuff I clearly would have zero interest in while trying to connect.
I just cannot understand why they are all so so maddeningly insane and mean to me, but it's embarrassing and makes me ill more than enraged?
Part of me thinks it's conditioning. Or maybe it's that I have a thick skin? I notoriously just shake off the dust after a shitstorm and just move on. (any part of my life). But I don't know what to do. I have tried to do everything they have asked and they can't even be bothered to get me a birthday gift.
They physically sicken me. I actually get ill if I spend to much time in their presence. But rage is not something I was allowed to have maybe? I think it's suppressing my ability to be independent from them too. I can't stop the feeling of "I should talk to mom/dad" or pick up/call back when they do.
Any advice to get from sick to mad, and then to doing something to stop talking to them? Is sick actually anger? Whatever it is, can't be good for me. I feel like I'm going to vomit writing this after one particularly awful chat with one of them. I've read I'm glad my mom's dead. Haven't managed to get myself to read the body keeps score. I think I know it's exactly what's happening.
Also, I'm so fucking jealous of people with good parental relationships. Also, I don't want to have kids because of all this. Scares the hell out of me.
I needed to get that out. Wish I had someone real to talk to this about but therapy isn't until next week. I don't want to burden anyone in my life either. I'm glad this resource exists.