Not too sure if this is the best place to post. If you know a better subreddit to post this please let me know. I know this is probably stupid but, I seek validation for literally everything. I sometimes have deep thought about my mental health and trying to understand it and I always question whether these feeling I have are even that bad. Being told by a psychiatrist that I'm perfectly healthy mentally and this is just how life is is one of my worst fears. I have thought for a long time that I have had Social anxiety and in the past year or so I've realized that it might be a more serious issue. I do self therapy in my head by imagining talking to a therapist/person I'm close to ,but I feel like I need to actually tell it to another person. It effects all aspects of my life like, the decisions I make on what I want to do after work, or avoiding a lot of social gatherings. I'm planning on going to a psychiatrist in the future but that feels like a 2 mile high wall that goes on forever. I'm very embarrassed to have social anxiety. I've never spoken about this with another human being ever and this is the first time
When I'm near people I'm so unbelievably vigilant of them and i track there every move as well as my own, there field of view, etc. I cant solely focus on what I'm doing. I never get too physically close to people cause i don't want them to have a negative thought about me. The negative thought is a big thing because that is the end all be all. It really is just so exhausting to be around other people for long periods of time. It seems like my goal in life is to prevent any negative thought about me even though its impossible . The only person I've ever been able to truly relax around and feel very little anxiety is my best friend.
When i make mistakes the embarrassment feeling is crazy. I will beat myself up on it the entire day or depending on if it effected anyone and if someone witnessed it. Even small ones like saying the name of something wrong with make me feel horrible and worthless. If i make a mistake that I really don't like I will be pretty absent from the current conversation and the next few because I'm thinking about that mistake. Usually when I make mistakes is when I actually feel physical symptoms like sweating and heart racing, My mind also can't let go of it and I always think about the worst possible thing a person could be thinking about me. I'm hesitating posting this because I'm thinking about what others could be thinking while reading my post.
Now for the depression. I'm 22 and I've been depressed since junior year. 2024 was rock bottom and was when I was the most suicidal. Ever since then I've been thinking about suicide. I dropped out of college because I was only there for the soccer. I had a back injury in high school that took me out for the year and then transitioning into college I pretty much tore my groin. Losing soccer made me fell like I lost my sense of purpose and I thought that I was absolutely worthless without sports. I still feel empty and just king of going with the flow of life, no direction. Present day I'm having casual thoughts about killing myself and how I would do it. I know I would never act on them ever ,but I don't want to have them every time I think of negative stuff, like my deteriorating relationships