Struggling to let go of the fantasy
I'm about 3.5 months post discard. She is still on my mind every single day, all day. It's gotten so it's hard to be present with loved ones etc. I'm trying to detach and let go and move on but I just don't really know how.
More and more there is a divided image of her in my mind, the versions of her before and after she switched off and I guess started to deactivate. Right up until she switched off she was the most kind, sweet, positive and enthusiastic woman. She really felt like the woman of my dreams and I felt like I had won the lottery or something. In retrospect it sounds crazy now and is a bit embarrassing and shameful, but after only 4 months of dating we were talking about me moving to her country and us getting married. She told me unprompted that she would marry me. At the time it just kinda seemed to make sense, I had already met all of her closest friends and family, had been accepted by her kids and had the start of a good relationship with them etc.
Literally a day or two after she told me this, she started getting distant and cold. I had no knowledge of avoidant attachment styles at this time and so I was very confused and upset when this started. I was visiting her and staying with her and I knew it would be a few months before I could get back out to see her again. Suddenly she was always busy with work, always tired, not as affectionate, sometimes annoyed when I would show affection, we weren't having sex nearly as much etc. However, she was inconsistent, some days everything seemed fine and other days I felt like a burdensome guest in her home. When I was finally sure I wasn't just being too sensitive and that her behavior was strange, I tried to check in with her and brought it up to her. She immediately denied everything and then proceeded to make excuses for the things she just denied. After a little cool down time I texted her and later when we reconvened I thought we repaired really nicely. By the time that trip drew to a close I thought things were good. I returned home but something still felt off and I kept telling myself that we were solid. A week after I returned home she called and ended it with me, sighting merely that "her feelings changed" and it "didn't feel right to be my girlfriend".
Looking back on it all, I see the person who discarded me, who was cold and distant, who was overly critical and made me feel like I could do nothing right, who gaslighted me and lied and who started planning a future with me only to cruelly rescind it all. This I can live without. I've been in abusive, manipulative and just plain unhappy relationships in the past and I never want to go back to that again.
But I also can't seem to shake the attachment to the initial fantasy version of her. That woman of my dreams. The woman that told me I was the love of her life. That version of my life, living in a new country, starting a new career etc. That version of myself that was chosen by her. A version of myself that I never imagined, a man stepping into a husband role and a step-dad role. The fact is, I just liked myself and my life better with her in it, even though I know that version of her was not the full story and that the mask had not slipped yet. It's like my mind and my heart remember two different versions of her, and though my mind sees the bigger picture, my heart can't let go of that wonderful woman I knew first.
So, I don't know what the point of any of this is. It's just where I'm at and I figured maybe someone else out there would relate to it. I know there is no future with her, but I'm still struggling so hard to let her go and let go of the fantasy of that relationship, that new life, that version of myself.
This sucks.