The Release
“Fuck it”
It’s all too much.
The chips and guac go down with ease as I gulp a 7up behind each bite
I ensure each mouthful is chewed and chewed and chewed until the consistency is like paste in my mouth before I eventually swallow
I feel the mass in the center of my chest like a rock inside of me as it moves slowly down my throat
I visualize the sodium and potassium ions crossing a membrane inside of the cells within the smooth muscle of my esophagus and words like “action potential” and calcium channels being triggered
(or something like that)
all far beyond my control
I think, as I ruminate back to all of the hours of studying back in school
The smooth muscle of my esophagus doing exactly as it is supposed to do
I open a package of skittles and greedily cram a handful in my mouth
A red and a green one tumble from my grasp to the floor before making it there
I both savor the sweetness of each individual morsel and desperately attempt to devour as much as I can as quickly as possible
The duality of it confuses me
I imagine the energy of the food I am consuming becoming a part of me as I gorge
I feel that once seemingly bottomless pit begin to feel not so bottomless anymore
I gather more food, it doesn’t matter what it is anymore
I’m so close now
That hollow part inside of me begins to fill as my stomach gets heavier,
I fill up every inch
up to my heart
until it feels like it will surely spillover
And that familiar but oppressive darkness begins to fall over my vision as I run up the stairs
I turn on the water in the sink to cover the noise (although there really isn’t any anymore)
Fingers reaching the back of my throat
Terrible nausea overwhelms me
I silently gag and cough
My throat is aflame as I feel the release begin
It doesn’t come in chunks though
It comes up really easy cause I’m too good at this
(Or so I thought)
That’s why I chew everything so much
And I always drink something after each bite
This causes the least amount of damage
(Or so I thought)
As I offer up my innards to the God I am currently worshiping I feel myself equalizing again
I need a glass of water.