Unsure of what’s the next step
Sorry if this is messy this is my first time really writing these feelings down, just recently I came to a realization about being trans, everything started for me when I was pretty much going online by a feminine name as a valentines joke 4 years ago and never let up on it, I realized I really loved being seen under that identity especially when meeting new people. But I never really felt comfortable taking it out of the online space with how many changes I would feel like I’m forcing on the people I love. Or if my feelings were even real, nothing felt particularly wrong it felt like a want instead of a need. So I always just chopped it up to only an online name, keeping my life as stable as it could be. Last month I just couldn’t ignore it anymore though and went to my family to say I wanted to explore my gender identity, using April fools day as a way to stir confidence, but right after got too high on thc and went off the rails. I stayed in a mental health facility for a few days, adopting my new name while in there and felt like I was relearning life. And I really did enjoy it. But coming back to the real world and the responsibilities I have it still feels like I have more important things to worry about. And even if I wanted to transition I’m worried it’s going to hurt my family more, especially how the accident traumatized them. I’m really unsure on how to move forward, as I feel like I can’t keep ignoring it anymore like I used to, but still too scared to make the next move. There’s a lot of expectations I want to fulfill first before I feel comfortable starting but it also feels like it’s killing me postponing it more than I already have. I’m also worried it’s just too late too, I’m not a teenager anymore and these are things I should have already figured out by now. I just have a lot of conflicting feelings as it feels like my whole world view just shattered, not sure what I need. Just wondering how to balance these emotions while still working towards everything else I need to do
Everything feels new but the same