In May 2022 I began smoking cannabis as an escape from my reality when my aunt passed away. I was studying at the time, and I used to be disciplined only smoking on weekends. Over time it became a usual habit. I began smoking before class even before therapy sessions and I eventually met somebody who influenced me into smoking cigarettes aswell. Before I would use a bong and only cannabis and he introduced me to blunts which were mixed with cigarettes. I enjoyed the feeling it gave me and started smoking cigarettes aswell as joints.
In 2024 I moved back to my fathers house, and I was working and had stopped smoking blunts for a while but I continued smoking cigarettes. One day I decided to start smoking weed again and it was insanely bad because I'd smoke during work breaks. My productivity ofcourse decreased and I lost my job.
My father made sure to make me feel extremely ashamed for my actions. He became very rude to me and was always bickering about anything. Whenever something went missing, I was the number 1 suspect. It was very hurtful because he humiliated me in front of my siblings and also kept suspecting me of doing drugs. It only caused me to smoke more. I was smoking 2-4 joints daily and at least 7 cigarettes.
I spent the whole of 2025 shaming myself for doing it. But honestly it was comforting doing it. I knew its negative impact and thought and obsessed over them to the point where I began idealizing death. Any health inconvenience I experienced made me assume I was going to die. Living like that was very detrimental to my well-being. I wouldn't make any long term plans because of the idea that I wouldn't live long. I have honestly been very scared about it because I fear I've smoked so much I'm too far gone. I used to tell myself everyday I would quit but didn't even bother trying because as soon as I had an urge I wouldn't even fight it but immediately act on it.
It was my birthday this month. I feel terrible that I am still engaging in a habit that is doing me more harm than good. I've made an oath to myself to quit, learned more about withdrawals to mentally prepare myself. Over the past week, I reduced my smoking significantly to about 3-4 cigarettes a day and a few pulls of a joint daily. The last 2 days I didn't smoke weed for a full 48 hours and I was extremely proud of myself. I had never been able to even go 6 hours without weed over the past few months. So earlier today I decided to have my last blunt and also smoked cigarettes. It wasn't a pleasant experience because I got extremely high, and I felt irritable. I have awaited this day for it to be my last day smoking. My mind is made up now, and I am ready to take on the challenge.
I want to give up this habit for life and live healthier. I want to be able to live long. My smoking habit made me lose interest of wanting children because I fear I'd get cancer and leave them early. I'm not sure if my mind will change on that decision but I also dont plan to be in any relationship. I just want to live a life thats comfortable where I help provode for my family as I have many younger siblings. I want to be able to watch them grow and establish their adult lives someday. I dont want to feel in bondage with this habit anymore. I just felt an urge to share this for anyone who is considering quitting but struggling to, never give up and do not be too hard on yourself. You will eventually reach that point when the timing is right ❤️