Help please! Autistic spouse ignores my thoughts.
42F married to 43M. I have ADHD and my husband is autistic.
We have had an on-going issue in our 10 year relationship where I feel like I’m not treated as a whole human being. I consistently feel my needs, wants, emotions, and thoughts are ignored or argued to death in favor of the “correct” need/want/emotion/thought that my partner has identified.
We have been discussing this for years - my partner acknowledges that this dynamic is mostly on him (of course we both contribute in some ways as with any dysfunction in a relationship). we are both in individual therapy and are planning to go to couples therapy. we did briefly go to couples therapy previously- which seemed like a positive thing but in practice my spouse doesn’t actually implement any of the suggestions. He just talks about how he will, how he gets it now, how it’s important to him that we be able to communicate but then when the moment actually arises to use his newly learned skills he implements none of them. He’s tried making lists (that he doesn’t check), taking breaks, and using a rubber band on his wrist reminder.
I feel so alone, dishearten, and uncared for. This is killing my emotional and physical intimacy with a man I love deeply and want to be with.
But it doesn’t seem to get better. In a more minor example from today I tried 5 times to tell him how I was feeling about an event that had happened in our life recently - an event that we both experienced but was not related directly to our relationship. He did not respond, other than to smile and nod (while I was deeply distressed). Because we’ve talked about emotional support and valuing my opinions so many times, including what kinds of things I’m looking for, I then tried repeatedly to ask for these things. Mostly by saying “I've shared a lot about what happened and how I feel, are there thoughts and feelings you could share in respons?”
I got nothing. A minor example but one that happens in every aspect of our communication. And it’s killing our relationship.
I also have an autistic sibling who I grew up in the same house with.
Im at a loss at what else to do. Please help!!!! I’m broken hearted.