On ativan for a month, cold turkeyed (didnt want to), reinstated (I know controversial), depressed in general and want to vent and talk
Im 28. I spent my whole early 20s sick. I took COVID extremely seriously because of this and lost so much time not doing anything. It was only within the past few years (maybe really the past few months) that I was feeling optimistic about life again. I was back in school, working for the first time in years, had friends, had a girlfriend, was doing a lot in general. It was so important in my mind to be as active as possible for the few remaining years of my youth. I hit a rough patch with some really bad anxiety because my mom is clearly getting dementia and was placed on Ativan for a month at my own request, biggest regret of my life right now. My idiot psychiatrist didn't think I needed to taper even though I begged him to. So I cold turkeyed. During this time I was actively suicidal basically every second of everyday because the withdrawal was so bad. I found out about reinstatement and decided to risk it. So far it's going pretty well, but I still feel off, maybe I just focus on it too much. Right now more than withdrawal I feel fear and mourning. I feel like I've entered a totally unknown path of my life. Im not working or in school right now. I worry about being able to do those things again. I worry about being able to date again. I worry about what it will be like when I start to taper. It feels like I just dont know what Im capable of anymore.
The most optimistic version in my head that I have is that this doesn't have to be life ruining or even a huge deal. That the reinstatement will abate most of my symptoms. That the taper will be manageable just like it is for most people going off benzos the normal and safe way (yes I know about kindling and why this might be harder for me since I CT'd already). I try to tell myself that worst, truly irrecoverable things happen. People get TBIs, people get cancer, people get autoimmune diseases that go on for years. But it's hard to feel optimistic, especially because this period of life seemed so important to me to go right, just three months ago I was full of optimism and hope for my life. Now it feels like Im back where I was years ago when I was sick, only this time it feels even scarier because of PAWS and BIND. I feel like everyday I question if I can do normal things, let alone all the things I wanted to do before all this, ie really living for the first time in years.
I don't really know why Im posting this, sometimes I wonder if it's better to just try to live, take my pills and not think about it too much. But it's always in the back of my mind every second of everyday and no one in my life gets it.