I think I have some kind of romantic obsessive personality disorder and it’s hurting my life.
I’m writing this frankly because I’m ashamed and honestly starting to hate myself.
To preface, I (F,38) have been married to my husband for 16 years, we have 2 kids together. He’s literally amazing. He’s kind, affectionate, a great dad, a hard worker, handsome, helps around the house, he LOVES me. I know how lucky I am but still I can’t get out of my own head.
Since I was really young I can remember having what I called “crushes”. But I don’t think it was your normal crush. I would unwillingly think about this boy 24/7. Anything could trigger it, they could be mildly attractive and say something nice to me and boom, crush. I would have these days where it was non-stop thoughts about this person (affecting schoolwork, etc) and then, with no contact, it would slowly fade away. Once it fades away there are a few things that flair it back up, the first thing and the worst thing is a dream. I’ll have a random dream about this person and it starts the cycle all over again. Other triggers would be any sort of contact with that person, or finding a new person to fixate on.
These stupid fixations can last weeks or even years.
I’ve had so many random ones over the years and each one eventually fades… My current one has been going on for years a few years. I hate it. He’s a decent looking guy but honestly, if I were single, I wouldn’t be able to stand him for more than a couple days. He’s super moody and is kind of a dick to be honest. I met him at a random event and he became friends with my husband, meaning I would see him around every now and again. Then I had an opportunity to work for this him, which in hindsight was an awful idea, but frankly, we needed the money. Nothing ever happened with this dude other than the occasional flirtatious comment from him which I did NOT reciprocate. Over the years we’ve noticed a couple common interests like nature or politics so we’ll send a snap to each other every now and again. I’m fully aware that me still being in contact with him is my own fault. I know how stupid this is but part of me doesn’t want to be mean and the other part of me just can’t help it. Other than that this guy could disappear from my life and I would never notice, except, My. Brain. Won’t. Let. Me.
I have never physically cheated on my husband but this feels like emotional cheating and I can’t help it! The amount of shame I have is unbearable. Please send some guidance.
* I should probably add that I have been diagnosed with some sort of dissociative disorder. I have terrible memory loss. I can’t remember huge chunks of my life because mentally I was not there.
Edit to add: I have been diagnosed OCD but specifically for hair pulling. I’m taking sertraline to help with that and because I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD due to assault during military service. I have not been consistent with therapy but even when I did go I never mentioned this because I was embarrassed.