I hate this
I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I feel so alone, worthless, and deeply hurt. My husband confessed to having feelings for someone else, and I stayed to try and help him understand his emotions, listening for days to him talk about his confusion without complaint... only for him to then tell me he wants to be alone. At that moment, something broke inside me. I haven't felt completely human since; I feel like an empty shell. I tried going to my mom's for a few days, but the emotional pressure was even worse there. I tried talking to him, making him see that the problems he saw could be solved... that I didn't want to separate. I told him I didn't know what to do, whether to find a place for myself, an apartment to be alone... He said, "Do it, find your apartment..." and that's what I did because he insisted. I hate this, I hate being alone... I hate that he's not here. Then he told me he was hurt that I left "so quickly," but... what was I supposed to do? He told me he didn't want to be with me, and in a very hurtful way. He only sees my faults in the relationship, but I feel like he doesn't acknowledge the pain his emotional infidelity caused me. I think about him with someone else and my stomach churns, I vomit... there are days I can't even eat... I don't know how I manage to get up and go to work. I get to my apartment and all I do is cry. My own thoughts scare me. A few days ago we talked again, and his contradictions frustrated me... complaining that I left too quickly, that I look "fine" to be sad, that other people would have forgiven me instead... but I stayed, I forgave him... I left because he asked me to... and now it turns out it's my fault? I feel so confused all the time...