Throwaway account.
So my father is a nice human but a-not-so-good father. He’s intelligent, hardworking, compassionate but lacks the ability to fully comprehend the risks of his actions, and has always had a hard time fulfilling his responsibilities. And luck hasn’t been one of his friends.
He had a great job, and he was successful at it. He did what he knew that he shouldn’t -he started another business, they found out, and got kicked out of his job. He struggled a lot, and so did we (my mother and me). They had to get a divorce because my mother couldn’t pay for the debt he made to start a business and every other debt that he had made without telling my mother. She took me, and we moved in with my grandparents. She found a shitty job for a shit pay, supported us, gave me pocket money. I didn't spend most of it, put it away for "rainy days". I was like 9-10 years old by then.
One day my father visited us. It was just me at home. We talked a bit then he asked me if I had some money. I gave him every penny I saved. Nothing more than 50-60 bucks in today's money but still.
My mother got a better job, so we moved to a different city, got our own place. He started showing up again, every 2-3 weeks for a couple of days, maybe. Why? I don’t know. I was a teenager, I didn’t ask him anything, and I don’t know if my mom asked him. (See, we were great communicators, we still are.) The only thing I know is that my mom and me were alone most of the time, and it was my best friend’s father who was picking me up from home to take us to the movies and back, etc.
One day he made my mother buy him a month-worth of groceries, saying that "a great friend of him who helped through legal troubles were to stay over for the weekend". Of course my mother paid for them.
Another day we had to move. My father was there, even helped us packing but once we got to our new place, he disappeared, saying that a friend needed him.
That “friend” was his new wife, and the reason was the birth of his daughter. I connected the dots years later. I still think those groceries for his "new family".
But again, he never told us about his new wife and daughter. We went on vacations together, travelled together. My mother loaned him a significant amount of money for him to get himself a lawyer because of he got into trouble with the government, etc.
Then my mother found out that he was married and that was it -they never spoke again, but she never tried to keep me away from my father, never “poisoned” me against him.
So we, my father and me, still spoke, still texted each other and met from time to time. He helped me from time to time, it's true. We spoke more like friends, not like father-daughter. I graduated, got a job, he finally came clean, and I met my sister in person, and we spent time with my father and sister from time to time. He and his wife remained married for more than 20 years.
Last year they got divorced. He called me to say “happy birthday” on my birthday this year and told me that they had divorced, and he left home just with a bag. He told me that if he has some money (he still has pension but some of them were blocked to pay for his debts) he slept at motels but if he doesn’t, he stayed overnight at ERs. I started sending him money, and told him he had to move to a cheaper city, but he responded with “but then I can’t reach my daughter and she will be influenced by her mother to stay away from me”. As if I was never his daughter.
I can send him more money to ease his life but I don't want to. I’ve been living with my mother because she had a tumor removed from her brain and she’s not that well, but not having to spend all my money on rent also helped me to travel all around the world -the thing I wouldn’t dream to be doing while I was a kid. And my mother isn’t the easiest person to live with -the only thing keeping me sane is knowing I can stay at wherever I want at least a couple of times a year. I earned this, I work hard to be able to afford this lifestyle.
On top of everything, this month, he acted like he wanted to keep our "relationship" moving. I'm sorry but the damage is done, I can't act like he's been a father to me all along. I told him that I didn't want to keep in touch all the time, and ended the convo with "talk to you next month" (when I'll be sending the money), and I blocked him until next month.
I know I’m being too selfish right now but I feel like my history’s been repeating in full circle. He gets into trouble - we pay for them - he gets into another trouble - we pay fot them all while he's never fully present in our lives. Our dysfunctional relationship as a family damaged me so much that I'm clingy at my romantic relationships but a cold robot for everyone else. I'm an anxiety-ridden mess with no male figure to rely on for more than 20 years. I have no family, no kids, didn't even think about having one.
I’m not planning to cut the money I’ve been sending him but I’m not going to send him more until the next year. I'm also not going to let him back into my life like this. Yet, sometimes I wake up at night thinking about him. Sometimes it hurts that I have a place that I can call home but he doesn’t. But I feel like I can’t sacrifice myself to his stupid decisions anymore.
AITAH?
TLDR: My father’s become homeless. I can send him more money but I won’t. I'm angry at him because he cheated on my mother, and had a new family, and I feel like he's been manipulating us all along. AITAH?