I need help, I’m beyond broken
This girl I loved her more than I’ve ever loved anything and she is truly the only girl to ever in my life make me feel loved.
I know the bad in the relationship.
Anytime she’d flip out on me I’d calm her down but as soon as I mentioned it hurt me and how I was feeling she would start insulting and we’ll just belittling me
But I kept waiting for the good as it was truly amazing
3 weeks ago it was her birthday on the Wednesday, she cried when she woke up to a stupid amount of presents on her bed from me with flowers and everything
Took her out for dinner tried to embarrass her a bit for a laugh by getting them to bring out a cake, she cried then too, she kept saying thank you
The Monday previous she said she wanted to go to therapy for us, so she could work on herself to better our relationship
Her emotions are wild, I have been with a girl with BPD before but not quite like this.
She has hit me, spat on me, swerved my car into on coming traffic and a bit more.
But I was so used to all this toxic mess because I was always waiting for her to calm down, and while she was triggered and it could genuinely be over anything, I’m saying “baby calm down I love you, you don’t need to have the aggression towards me I just want to help.” And it’s like she would never hear that, if it ended and I voiced how it made me feel while she attacked me she just couldn’t see my side she’d be shouting and I’d be talking.
The one and only time I got angry, I’d never lay my hands on her but I fought back, I thought fuck this, this is how I feel you’re gonna hear it and this is what you’ve done to me, while also begging her why she’s done it, she just started recording me it broke my heart even more
I’m aware I must be trauma bonded
I felt I was always trying to calm her and fix her, her friends and family are on tiptoes around her.
I used to make sure she had a coffee beside her for when she woke up as she’d wake up in such a foul mood and be horrible to me.
I did so fucking much it’s like she never seen it.
So 2 days after her birthday we were driving from London to wales for our anniversary to go stay in this really nice cabin.
Took 5 hours to drive there and we were up the night before quite late as she was upset, then attacked me verbally so I rolled over in my bed like a little bitch in my feelings thinking why does she do this to me, while I’m hurt and deep in thought about how much I love her and why does she do this, she got up started packing her bags and went to leave so I no matter what she said wasn’t allowing her to continue this and said I’m hurt we are meant to be going away tomorrow why is this always your response so took her suit case out her car and put it back in the house and told her to come in.
It sounds controlling I know it is a bit when she’s stable she tells me to not let her go and do what I can.
But even while I’m in pain and then having her abandon me in pain I fought through it to not let her go, she came back in, she cried and said sorry.
So we drove about 5 hours to the location and when we got there she was tired and me too as we were up until 3am the night before due to that, so we agreed we would sleep for an hour.
I woke up, she was awake, she said what happened to the alarm, I said I wasn’t sure what time is it and realised it was only 15 minutes after the alarm was due to go off, I originally put the alarm on for 1 hour, I was laying beside her and lifted my left leg and nudged her knee to put it down so I could wrap my leg around her and pull her in to cuddle.
She pushed me back and said wtf are you doing trying to push me off the bed, I said I wasn’t I just wanted to try cuddle you?
She then stood up and said I think a fucking apology is in order it’s not my fault you woke up in a foul mood. I’m now laying there in disbelief and the repeated myself that I just wanted to cuddle how was I pushing you off the bed!?
She marched out to my car while saying fuck this shit you’re a joke
My heart dropped, anything she’d say that would attack me honestly hurt so much as I always had the purist intentions for her.
She brought all her stuff in
And as she walked in said you’re such a fucking lazy prick wtf is wrong with you she then come over got in my face the angriest I’ve ever seen her and shouted about how she hates me, at this point I shouted back I said, shut up shut up please it’s escalating stop, all my quotes here are word for word I can’t forget this time at all.
She then punched me in the side of the head and I was still laying in bed just slightly sitting up, as this all happened in a matter of a couple minutes
She goes I fucking what you gone, started insulting my insecurities and everything,
I stood up went to the sofa I didn’t say a damn thing, got my keys and as I lent to get my keys she pushed me, I’ve recently had a herniated disc, so I’ve been getting pain quite bad in my sciatic nerve, but at the time it was fine, when she pushed me i had the most excruciating pain go down my back and leg which over the next few days led me to be bed ridden again (when this originally happened I couldn’t walk for 3 months)
Thankfully the pain at the top quickly stopped but I near dropped when it happened as almost gave way to my legs, I grabbed my keys went to the car and left
(During these times she always tells me not to leave I didn’t want too we just got to the place I was trying so hard to make perfect along with her birthday)
But I left I’ve never seen her so angry in my life,
I drove for about 30 minutes and thought ahh fuck this, I’m broken but when she’s okay I’ll feel better and I don’t want her to feel like this, I drove back so in total I was gone for an hour
I went to open the door and it was locked
So I knocked on the door calling her name saying baby calm down please we don’t need to be doing this I just wanted to cuddle you
As i finished that sentence she said my name and said I’m calling the police
I didn’t really believe her at first so I froze for a sec then knocked again and then I heard her call the police, I can’t explain the fucking pain in my heart the things she’d do to me and I could never she was like my little angel when she wasn’t angry with me, I stopped all her tears from everything that made her upset
Anyway I left was absolutely broken, half hour later, I called realising I’ve been blocked on everything so I called on no caller ID, she answered and sounded fine, usually I notice a whole tone shift, anyway she said the police are here and he wanted to talk to me
So I ran him through everything that happened really quickly and said I just need her to calm down and she will be okay
As I mentioned she hit me although I hardly focused on that he said as you mentioned it we will be putting her under arrested, I shouted no please she will be okay she needs to calm down.
That was the phone call, I had no petrol so had to go to the nearest station which was 45 mins away from where I currently was and get petrol, then I called her again for it not to ring so I called the officer as he gave me his contact number,
They said they’d need my statement to retract what I said or something, so I had to go to the station, they told me she was in the cells and should he let out in a few hours, I went there said I don’t want to press charges and I just need her out
They said she came in really calm and fine which I found hard ti believe but she probably did I guess, anyway I left and waited outside for her for an hour and a half, so I then drove to the cabin which wasn’t too far to wait for her and hope I hear from her.
I fell asleep and by this time it was 1am, I slept for about 2 hours
I realised all my messages had been delivered and I had no contact from her, it really hurt, she attacked me and as pathetic as I am I was still more concerned for her.
I thought I’d check my ring camera to see if her car was still at mine; it turned out her dad had went and collected it an hour after I first left the cabin when she demanded it. Really makes me wonder what had she said.
Since then I’ve been blocked off everything completely deleted out of her life I do not understand what I have done; I am beyond broken, I can’t get over it, I’ve never had my heart played with like that in my life.
Some moments I get a bit of hate but after everything she did she was the only one to make me feel okay and I can’t find myself to hate her although it would make life easier for me right now.
Just to add, the night before we left she snatched my phone out of my hand I said why’d you do that give me it she put it behind her back holding it with her left hand, I put my hand round her back and pulled it back saying wtf why would you do that
For more context, I begged for a break in the fight, we agreed if we needed it we could have it, more my rule to be honest, but it’s to stop me getting overwhelmed and to make me focus on calming her more than the hurt she’s causing me (ridiculous I know but I really tried to keep her calm)
She got in my face as I took my phone and said you’re a fucking abuser
Honestly I feel weak for it but I got up sat at my computer desk put my head in my hands and burst into tears, as I did that she insulted me and there’s an ashtray in my room she pulled my hood down and poured it over my head.
So adding that, for context for the next bit
A week had passed I couldn’t bare to see her things in my room or the photos of us together or anything, so I grabbed all her stuff and her last birthday present arrived as it was late, I drove down to her work an hour before her finishing set the present in her car and the bag by her wheel, as I was driving out her dad was driving in.
It broke me even more as I’m scared for what she is saying about me; I’m wondering if she said that she probably really does think I’m an abuser and dragging her 70 year old dad to her work to make sure I’m not there or something?
I’m just fucked up
I’m in disbelief if what has happened, the relationship was for a year, I wanna say it was the best and worst relationship I’ve ever had, the only girl to make me feel loved but the only girl to make me feel like I want to kill myself.
My emotions are all over the place I now feel like I’m crazy, have I done something and just don’t remember I did it to justify all of this, am I a narcissist and can’t see my wrongs? I’m always reflecting on our arguments to see where I go wrong to try and work with her.
For more context this girl could not be away from me she was the most clingy person I’ve ever had in my life, it was a bit problematic but it made me feel special so that adds to my confusion too
She did this back in December she went no contact on me as I was I. Hospital with my son I said I’d call her back in 5 minutes but had an important phone call from my mum so it was about 10/15 minutes, when I answered she asked why I was late I told her then she said you’re a fucking liar on repeat about 4x I said are you stupid I showed you the call log, she hung up left my house and disappeared.
Heard from her 3 weeks later while she was hysterically crying for me to come to her and couldn’t even stand up, with her mum in the background praying to god for her to stop
I don’t understand I tried so hard I’m beyond broken, someone help me, I mseeking closure or an understanding and can’t get nothing from her