I have severe CPTSD. I've spent my whole life striving to be good. Perfect. That's pretty common when you grow up in chaos and abuse. You think if you're just good, perfect, do everything right, maybe you'll be safe. Maybe you won't get hurt.
Be Good was internalized. TW CSA- when my grandfather was harming me, he kept repeating "be good, be a good girl," over and over.
But I've been doing a lot of work lately and I had a realization.
I DONT NEED TO BE GOOD. I just need to be good enough.
Not good enough in a striving, achieving, perfect way. Good enough like when you frost a cake and it's a little messy and imperfect and maybe you messed up in a few places, but you look at it and go yeah. Good enough. That works. Moving on.
Because here's the thing. I have trauma responses that aren't pretty. Some of them make me unlikable sometimes. I learned to lie as a kid because telling the truth got me hurt. That response has shown up in my adult life in small ways and I've beaten myself up about it endlessly. Like it makes me a bad person. Like it means I'm no better than the people who abused me.
But I'm not a bad person. I'm a person with CPTSD doing my best with a nervous system that got wired for survival before I had any say in it.
On the whole I'm good enough. Messy, imperfect, still healing, occasionally unpalatable, and good enough.
That feels kind of radical honestly. And also like relief.
Anyone else getting comfortable with good enough?