This is just a rant, but be warned that I mention CSA.
I had been assaulted by five people in my 19 years of life, and I want to feel bad for myself but I can’t because I know that all of it was my fault. This isn’t me victim blaming myself, it’s just a fact. What happened to me wouldn’t have happened if I had just been more careful or smart with my decisions.
The first time it ever happened was with my older brother. I was around 8, and he was around 13. It happened countless times, and I found myself enjoying it for a while. I wanted my brother to see me as cool. I looked up to him, so when he told me about sexual acts and asked me to do it with him I agreed because I wanted him to love me. I would even ask him directly to let me perform sexual acts on him. After a while the idea of doing it started to exhaust me, but I kept going. I don’t even know why. I told him constantly I didn’t want it, and he’d beg me for it and tell me it would be the last time we ever did it.
The other two happened at around the same time, and they were both my brother’s friends. One only happened once. He had me grind on his leg and I did it because I wanted him to think I was cool. The other one only did it twice. He’d just bend me over and grind his crotch on my butt. I acknowledge that neither of these are that big of a deal; I just wish they hadn’t happened. I don’t know where they got the idea to do that stuff. Maybe my older brother told them what he’d been doing and that’s why they did it to me. I don’t know.
The next one happened when I was 17. I went to prom afterparty, got drunk, and this guy (call him H) that I had talked to earlier in the year was there (I broke it off because he was in a relationship and didn’t tell me). I was talking to another guy when H walked up and told us there was this dilapidated trailer somewhere not too far. It was visible from where I was standing. Maybe about 100 feet away? It’s fuzzy. I was like “I wanna see” and the other guy decided to stay back while me and H went to see the trailer. He walked me behind it, showed me, and then started talking really sexually. He kept asking me to suck him off and I kept saying “I don’t know” because I was too scared to say no outright. I guess he got tired of me repeating “I don’t know” because finally he just pulled his pants down. I didn’t know what else to do. I was drunk and he had been threatening violence earlier that night, so I just sucked him off for probably around a minute. I know that’s not an excuse. I really should have just left. He left after I finished to go talk to his girlfriend, I think. I just stayed there on the grass. My head felt fuzzy and I couldn’t get up. Eventually he came back and begged to have sex with me, telling me that his girlfriend was busy so she’d never know. I finally found the courage to say no, and he left. Someone eventually found me on the grass and took me to my friend. She got, rightfully, pissed at me when I told her what happened. She took me home and didn’t talk to me a couple weeks.
The last one happened when I was 18. I’d been at college for a while and I was sleeping around with men from on tinder. All experiences to that point had been fine. One man invited me to his house about 7 minutes away. It was in a residential area. I was hesitant, but after a few days of getting to know him better I went and brought a knife just in case. I had full intentions of having sex with him, and he had the same intentions. When I got there he took me to his room and things were fine until he tried to put it in without a condom. I asked him to put one on, he said he promised he wouldn’t get me pregnant. I asked again, he promised again, shushed me, and started putting it in. I tried to push him off and said no but he didn’t move. I felt so weak. I almost cried but I stopped myself and just laid there while he did whatever to me. He pulled out. I told myself I’d never have unprotected sex unless I was with a romantic partner and on birth control. It was my rule. I was so scared the following days. I felt alone. I couldn’t take plan B because I’m too big for it to work. Abortions are illegal in my state and I wasn’t sure how easy or hard it’d be to get pregnant for me. I was terrified. I genuinely contemplated suicide. He blocked me the second I left his house and I haven’t see him since. In hindsight, I was overreacting about possibly being pregnant. I was just so scared and I felt so alone and isolated.
I know this is a lot, but I just had to get it out. Every time I think too hard about it I feel disgusted with myself for being such a whore, for putting myself into situations where I could get hurt like that. A big part of me thinks I deserve it. Obviously I wasn’t learning my lesson, I guess. I know I should hold them accountable to some extent, but I have to hold myself accountable too. If I hadn’t been so stupid I wouldn’t have been violated. Anyway, if you read this all then I’m sorry for such a downer post. Please have a wonderful day and remember that you are loved.