Meltdowns after work
(cw: SIB)
I just got a new job that I deeply care about, and fought really really hard to get. I really enjoy it so far and I'm very excited. But every day I go home now I have echolalia ("I'm stupid", "I die", "need to die", etc), and hit my head over and over. I start to overthink everything throughout the day, and I can't process all the new information I'm taking in. I really want to make it through this job. It's part time. Barely any physical labor. It's perfect for the accommodations I need and my bosses know and are very understanding. I haven't been able to maintain a job for nearly 2 years since I started having more meltdowns and struggling to live independently. The last job I cared about left me with the same issues, which inevitably led to extreme burnout. I would hit my head multiple times a day and have meltdowns, but at the time I lived alone. I assumed living alone was the issue, not my job. Now I live with my boyfriend, and he helps but it makes me feel even more upset that he's seeing it because I feel embarrassed. I've quit so many jobs because I keep having breakdowns, either at work or at home. I can't keep doing this. I want to be able to have this job. I've wanted this job my whole life. I want to feel proud and confident when I get home, instead of having meltdowns as soon as I do. I don't know what I'm missing that's leaving me like this. I know I have low self confidence but I'm not like this when I meet new people. It's only when I'm having to do new or longer tasks. The same happens when doing things like taxes, bills etc. but at least my boyfriend can help me when it's too much. He can't help me at work, and It makes me sad that I struggle to do it on my own because I try so hard. Has anyone here had this experience? I thought I was lv 1 but recently found out I have lv 2. It's been difficult to figure out my limits and how I can work around them. This is the biggest one right now.