u/Conscious_Couple5959

As someone with autism since preschool, mine is mindful, listen, pay attention and anything related to that due to people around me getting frustrated with my poor attention span rightfully so.

When I make a mistake, I ruminate due to being yelled at for being a clumsy bitch, my older sister is seemingly frustrated with me over little things such as chores around the house and basic things.

I don’t trust my family with my problems because they believe I make excuses when it has affected the way I think, feel and learn every day.

I refuse to forgive myself for being autistic because I don’t look disabled enough, I often feel like I was born a mistake by my parents who were 20 somethings falling foolishly in love that they got married and started a family only to split up in their 30’s.

I have nothing against disabled people, just myself.

1. As an overweight person, I have a fear of eating in front of my family because they would either eat off of my plate or tell me it’s bad for my health, I know they care about me but I don’t do the same thing to them because it’s not only hurtful but hypocritical.

2. I try to let others have a serving of the food they make so I won’t come off as greedy. I also work out so I’ll feel worthy of the food I eat and I refuse to miss a day when it comes to Peloton.

3. Fruits, vegetables and anything that’s deemed healthy is fine but carbs and anything rich and delicious give me anxiety when I enjoy them because diabetes run in my family and since both of my parents died of a heart attack, I often feel guilty for enjoying food because I might be diagnosed with diabetes myself and that makes it worse.

4. Even when I’m alone I feel like I might get verbally attacked by those around me. When I’m done I clean up around the kitchen including running the dishwasher when it’s full though I didn’t last night (we were out all day long with a TB shot for a day program I’m starting for employment and hiking).

5. I don’t trust compliments from my own family because they’re only doing it to feel sorry for me for hurting my feelings as a child especially during Y2K.

The time has come and gone but the damage is done, it’s too late to tell me I’m beautiful.