u/Conscious-Shake-1871

I watched a video about fully accepting who you are. While it was a great video, I found myself chewing on the question of “who am I?” long after the video ended. If the old saying is true…and we are a product of our environment, are any of us really our authentic selves? I know the beliefs I hold when I’m in my own solitude, such as my likes, morals, etc. But my external self has always worn a mask out in the world, mostly out of survival and acceptance. As an interracial adoptee who had a closed adoption and was adopted out of foster care at around the age of 4, I feel like there are so many layers to me, as well as the lack of knowledge I have in my origin story that at times I really do question and ask myself who I really am. I know the more genuine side of me is when I’m alone in my own company, when the mask has fallen to the wayside and I sit with myself. But even then, I still feel like I’m trying to figure it out. I understand my thoughts, where certain behaviors come from and how a lot of my values come from my parents who adopted me.

My past traumas and the parents that raised me helped shape who I am today at the age of 48. But who would I really be if I didn’t have my trauma? My trauma doesn’t make me who I am, but it’s definitely influenced my life in many ways (good and bad).

Has anyone else struggled with or thought about this? I don’t know, maybe it’s a question I’ll never find the answer to as we age and continue to evolve.

I posted this yesterday (adding link below) and feel so much gratitude for the response it’s received. All of the replies and similar experiences that people shared made me feel so connected and seen (I hope many of you feel the same way). I can’t remember the last time (if ever) that I’ve felt this.

This sub has been so great and healing. I wish all of us could get together and meet for coffee in person, but I know that’s not realistically possible. Be honest, how would you guys feel about a monthly zoom meet up? You wouldn’t even have to share your identity during the zoom if you aren’t comfortable. It could be way to meet and talk to each other. I’d be more than happy to start something like this, but I don’t know how many of you would be interested or think it would be worth it. Just something I’m chewing on. It could be another tool, like this sub, in the form of a more personalized support group for each other.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Adopted/s/koBxJQjIjG

Two nights ago I was with 2 coworkers (1 being a friend I’ve known for years…on a more surface level). Somehow we got onto the topic of writing. I’ve always journaled as a tool and outlet for my trauma stemming from being a former foster kid and adoptee. The conversation got weird and I found myself shutting down and going into protective mode. While I’m an open book and like to offer perspectives on my own CPTSD and adoption story, I’m not always the best at gauging early on in these conversations how “safe” I am in these settings.

While trying to express the need for our perspectives to be given a voice, I felt myself going on the defensive by the direction of where this was all going. Including my own expectations I am placing on people to understand. I’m an intelligent woman who is fully aware of this and even stated early on that I have always offered grace in discussions where I’m made to feel “grateful” because most people really aren’t aware and aren’t trying to be malicious. They truly don’t understand. However, it felt like the conversation was heading on a path of me expecting people to behave a certain way and almost as if I was going on the offensive when I felt in my gut my experience was being challenged.

When one of the coworkers mentioned his physical abuse in childhood, the other coworker teared up and it was treated much differently. Now, I’m not trying to play victim-mode here…but that cemented my feelings on how differently two traumas are treated by society. Both are bad, but because the adoption narrative has always been more romanticized and portrayed in a way of “rescue” and being taken out of an unfavorable situation, the level of compassion given to both of these traumatic experiences can (not always) be handled very very differently.

The conversation led to me shutting down so much and wanting to stop discussing my experience (it didn’t feel safe for me at that point) that, through my own perception, became the problematic one once I started to close off.

Sorry if my post is hard to follow or rambling, but the situation hasn’t sat well with me since it happened Tuesday night and only validated the way I feel and how underrepresented and misunderstood our trauma is cared for and even viewed in society. As a 48 year old woman who has always been very proactive in my healing journey and trying to offer new perspectives to people (when it comes up), it feels like I’m constantly beating my head against the wall and asking myself “what’s even the point having these conversations with people?”

Trauma is trauma. It can look very different and does stem from many different experiences. But I can’t wrap my head around how some forms of trauma are treated with kids gloves, while others are dismissed. Honestly, it’s infuriating and I’m tired of it.