Basically my husband and I have two very different love languages. Mine is acts of service and small "gifts"(could literally be a rock he thinks I'd like). Basically just something that shows I'm being thought of and considered. Im honestly not sure what his is but ive tried my best by constantly doing acts of service and gifts for him.
When hes stressed I'll do some of his stuff like laundry or cleaning his car so he has more time to focus on what hes doing or relax. When he has video game tournaments I make him food and snacks like a meal and brownie sunday and bring it to him at his desk so he can play uninterrupted. When theres a show he wants to watch with me I make it a whole night and I make us popcorn and make the couch cozy. When I go to the store I get him a snack and drink and surprise him with it etc.
Hes never had a complaint or said he was unhappy with anything but I know that doesnt necessarily mean its what he wants. When it comes to him however I dont really get anything back. When im stressed out he just tells me that I can do all of my stuff later and just to chill out, he doesnt make me food or anything and I have to specifically ask him to do any chores at all never mind taking on any of "my half" since I do most of it. Hes bought me flowers two times in the 8 years we've been together. One was because he missed my birthday for a work trip and the other was the day after he forgot our anniversary and he got me flowers he likes both times because he couldn't remember wha my favorites are.
I tried to have small spread out conversations about it but I always get excuses/ reasons not to. Like I said I would like it if he got me snacks or something when he stopped by a gas station and got himself something. He brought home a half eaten candy bar and said he didnt like it so I could have the rest. Ive reminded him on several occasions that I love having flowers in the kitchen. He said they just die and theres no point. I argued that I like having them anyway and he said theyre too expensive. I said I'm happy with the $5 bouquets from our local grocery store or even just pretty weeds you can pick yourself outside and they dont need to be fancy. He never got them. I started getting myself some that were cheap and when I brought it up the next time he said he doesnt need to because I already get them for myself. I stopped buying them to give him a chance to do it and he never did.
When I want to watch something and ask him to watch with me he just straight up says no and something like "im just not into that stuff sorry" and blows it off. Same with activities that I like and he doesnt. Its not even stuff he actually dislikes, its jut not stuff that hes specifically into so he says no because he doesnt directly find joy in it. I love going all out on finding/ making the perfect gifts for people and get him really personal stuff or things hes specifically mentioned wanting because I keep a list in my phone ever time were out and he mentions needing or liking something. For my birthday he let's other people plan the events and just goes along with it and gets me stuff that HE likes for my gift but says we can use it or do it together.
The thought of just continuing on like this until I die is so sad to me and when I've talked about it before he just says thats not what hes into and that I should know he loves me anyway. I want to get the same effort that I put in and I think the purpose of love languages is so that the person RECEIVING the love actually gets it but he feels like its however he wants to express it and its my job to pick up on it. Ive tried asking him what his is before and he just says he doesnt have one but if hed give me anything specific Id be more than happy to do it. Im just looking for advice on how to break it down and ask for what Im looking for with out it feeling like a fight and maybe better ways to explain it so he can understand where im coming from.
If you read this whole thing thank you! I typed it all out on my phone so sorry for the Grammer and rambling format.