TIFU My best friends boyfriend fell in love with me… I feel utterly evil
My best friend’s boyfriend of only about 7-9 months at the time and I used to go to the gym. He would talk shit on my best friend sometimes, and I would try to mediate for them, and sometimes vent my frustrations. He would consistently tell me everything bad she did or said, and I think eventually think I started to feel a silent animosity. This however, absolutely will NEVER excuse what I did, the trust I believe, that if she found out, would irreparably destroy. I saw him only as a brother until one night, we both got drunk and high, and were meant to go to only watch a movie. I was in and out of pure consciousness, and he started inching his fingers.. else where, turning his head to kiss me. I let it all happen.
But the thing is, it wasn’t isolated. He convinced me it was okay to do it the second time, and the third, always either getting me drunk or high when we did. Eventually I was sober, but I deep down knew it was wrong, and even said no a few times, but he kept going, kept telling me it was fine. Eventually he broke up with her for me, after I said it was one or the other, and that I didn’t wanna hurt her anymore. We went on one date. That’s when I knew I didn’t like him. That’s when I knew I resented the fact that every-time we were together, he only wanted to- “mess around” as the pg version suggests. I hated it.
I eventually broke it off, telling him I still loved my ex and that I HATED hurting my best friend. He and I agreed to be silent but to this day I’m horrified she will find out, especially since they are broken up and he has no reason to give a shit, even though he has so far. Recently a friend of his friended both me AND her on Snapchat, and I have no idea what to expect, other than praying that nothing gets out.
If she found out, I would truly loose all of my friends, my life, and most importantly my best friend. I will never excuse what I did, and I truly feel evil and disgusting. When I do remember it happened, I feel like a heinous, disgusting, evil, awful, terrible person. And I swear, by everything I love, by my poppies grave that the next time she gets a boyfriend I’m fucking blocking him, never wearing make up around him, always wearing baggy clothes, and forever being a cold grumpy asshole to him. I will never hang out with him, I will never interact with him other than absolutely necessary. It will never happen again, and I will never truly forgive myself.
Is there anyways I could possible heal from this.. without confessing? I don’t wanna lose her.
PS. Please don’t take the moral high ground, it’s my story to tell and I’m looking for honest constructive criticism on what to do to help turn it around and make things right. Thank you<3
I FORGOT TO ADD, I had just gotten out of a very verbally and emotionally abusive relationship, which gives me absolutely ZERO excuses, however it does explain my headspace at the time.
I guess I have to add that yes, assault was involved. I can name incidents where I told him I didn’t want it, and he would try or do it anyways, and I would try to force his hands away from me and he would tighten his grip or muscles so I couldn’t. I was weaker. I can also name a time that I told him no, because I didn’t want to, RAN away from him, and he picked me up, I struggled out, and he tried to FORCE me into a bathroom with his frame while I actively said no and tried not to get shoved in. Then I ran away. He would also tell me “no” to my face when I said “no” to him and Continue. So YES. There was assault involved.
TL;DR I got drunk with my best friend’s boyfriend thinking he saw me as a sister, when in reality he wanted me. He would get me drunk and high until I started “messing around with him” sober, feeding me bad news and bad things my best friend said about me and other people. And after broke up with her to be with me, when I realized how truly awful I was and hurting my best friend. I broke it off and now keep this deadly secret, trying to make up for something I will never deserve forgiveness for. Now that one of his friends added me on Snapchat, I’m panicking, trying to make sure my life doesn’t fall off. TL;DR