i need help.
hey, i don't know how to start but when i was in 10th class i use to be interested in science, i already competed my science syllabus before the school altho i was bad at maths, but i didn't care much because i like the science and keep investing my time in it, i use to study for like double digit hours without knowing that, in 10th i had great friends, the friends whome i can call brothers, everything was fine as heaven, the 10th result came out and i scored 90 in science and 67 in math, i didn't give a shit about that marks, i carry on with my interest and choose the medical field in high school, someone suggest me to go chandigadh unacadmy and i went there, they took my scholarship test and i was confident, the test was great and the next day the result came out, i got failed in the exam, in science, then the councilor gave us the offer of 30% discount and we took it, later i found it was pre planed almost all the coaching centers do this to create the sense of fear among the students, but i didn't know that earlier, i fall for that, i was living there with my uncle and he paid the amount of 70000rs as 1st installment and then my parents know that i took the admission instead of only counselling, they panic so do i, they told me that the could not afford that much money and they can't let me go out of the city for a exam which has almost no chance of passing, my uncle say don't worry, just told them i want to study here, so i told them, during that time my dad was on the line and when i told him that i didn't want to come back and instead i want to study here, i hear him cry and my dad lend the phone to mom, she was saying what happen! what happen ! to my dad and cut the line, i got broken down it was my first time hearing my dad cry and that broke me i tear up for the first time in my teenage years, my cousin sister trying to console me, and on the other hand my uncle convince my parents to let me study here and to not worry about the money, at that night i couldn't sleep, the morning as soon i done bathing, overwalmed by the thoughts of last night, i rust to my mobile and call my mother and call her and say i will come home and study there instead of here and she said no, you can stay here i convinced your dad and we got no problem, and then she motivates me to go and study, it was my first day and this is how it started i get to the coaching and sit at a table, the kids next to me were very friendly in starting but later start to insult me in indirect way, they try to intimidate me i don't know why, there were groups all over and they were talking all kind of shit, porn, drugs, etc etc some boys and girls seeing each others neuds and sharing them with each other, for me it was shocking, i didn't talk to anyone there and focused on my work and the first test was held and i gave it and guess what i failed again even after trying so hard, i got something like 80-90/720 and on the other hands those assholes got around 600+, that shatters my confidence, the insult become more personal, and even at uncles house the things were no different, my cousin brother who has arts btw start bullying me instead of helping, he use to give me examples of other people, how they are better than me, how they has limiting resources than me and still scoring more than me, he insult me everytime he saw me doing something else on phone, and what he doing? enjoying reels in front of me, and i cant even say something because he is in some of the best collage, i was failure at that point, even right now, i decided to quite and go back, so i did that, they refund 70% of the installment, i goes to home and continue my exam preparation online, but something happened, something happened to me during that phase, from that time, i got memory issues, i couldn't been able to recall stuff, the calculation and other stuff become bit more difficult, i cant been able to focus on anything, i started procastinating a lot , i face difficulty spelling and writing several words, i got bad and bad at studies, the phone addiction become very seviere, i dont know what it is, i tried every possible method on the internet, 21 days rule, 5 second rule, 1 min rule, i read and completed several books like atomic habits, psychology of human mind, you name any solution, i've possibly tried it all, but nothing works, i know the problem, i know the solution and i know that is the roadmap but i cant implement a shit, all my friends turned on me, my parents are disappointed from me, all the relatives hate my presence, they don't say that but i can sense that from the way they talk to me and see me as compared to others, i failed the neet in 2025 and then i again fall into the trap again and this time looses my dad's 40000rs on this shit and i think i will still fail this time again, i don't want to get into this again, i dont know what to do next, i don't know what collage will i got, how much money will i got, can i be able to survive in the world, my physical and mental health are fucked up, the fat, the gyno and the physical shame all together, i daydream a lot and i am getting suicidal thoughts again and again, i am living the same day again and again and again and again and again and again, i am a fool narcist who think he is always right, i scrue everything, i hurt almost every person i know, i tried to change every single day every single night but cant been able to do so, please help me out of this i dont want to be like this no more