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TW: Self-harm, suicide. Venting(? Maybe
Hi. I'm 22 y.o only daughter of a single bipolar mom (diagnosed)
Ever since I was little (And I know cause I re read my childhood diaries) my mom has pulled the "You don't love me" argument on multiple occasions. It usually comes out of nowhere during an episode triggered by something small (like me saying I don't want her to pop my pimples. When the argument is gradual or has actual valid reasons she never says this)
Since I'm an only child this always frustrated me a lot since I had no external validation for my experience and usually ended up literally on my knees asking for forgiveness feeling like I actually messed up and I'm the worst daughter ever, it's not until I revisit the incident later that I realize I did nothing wrong.
I remember being really small and already hurting myself out of frustration because no matter what I said my mom kept repeating I didn't love her and saying I was just trying to manipulate her when I started crying. This kept going up to my teen years and hasn't changed much really.
I still get really frustrated when she starts the “You don't love me” discourse specially because the only reason I still live with her is because I know she needs me. She had always relied on me for everything ever since I was six I have always been her "psychologist" she told me everything, hook ups, her childhood trauma, financial problems we had. Damn, she ever told me once that she was planning to kill me on my sleep and then herself. I went to sleep each night with a rock hidden on my pillow so I could defend myself in case that was the night. When I comment on that now she usually laughs saying the rock couldn't have done nothing
The point is, I'm afraid she'll hurt herself if I leave and I love her. It's only the two of us. I can't just leave. I can't do that to her.
I don't hurt myself anymore tho. I stopped that in my late teens.
What always frustrates me more arguing with here is that she doesn't believe me. No matter what I said what explanation I gave to whatever incident triggered, she always has her own explanation in which I'm evil and plan to her downfall or to make her suffer.
I don't know if anyone has a similar experience. When she is not like this I usually get along with her which complicates stuff s bit since it feels like betrayal talking about this with anyone.